The Piano Lounge

I was planning to write mostly about how beautiful it was yesterday. It got to over seventy degrees! I loved it. I don’t normally try very hard with my appearance on Thursdays because its lab day and I don’t want to wear anything that is possibly going to be destroyed but I decided to try and I’m glad I did. I met Caitlin for coffee at 4 and we chatted for an hour while sitting in the sunshine. It was really pleasant to not have to do anything but talk and listen. I needed the little break because I’d been feeling really overwhelmed still from previous events of the week.

At 6pm I get a phone call from Lori. My immediate thought was that she had some Matt information to impart but we just chatted for awhile. Then she says, right towards the end of the conversation, that Matt is going to the Piano Lounge (a bar) to celebrate his last day of teaching at Nixon and if I wanted to, I could go.

Hello! Of course I want to go. Never mind that I have bible study at 8, because he won’t be there til 9:30. True, it’s almost my bedtime by the time we’d get started but I can stay up a few extra hours. Spring break is next week. I can sleep then. Besides, if I don’t make the effort than its my fault if something doesn’t happen that might have if I’d gone. As it was, I still left before everyone else.

Okay, so I shared with my bible study group and they were really supportive and excited for me. They made me feel less nervous about going by myself. If I’d still been dating Alex (never mind that I wouldn’t be meeting a guy if I was) he’d freak out about me being in downtown Cedar Rapids at night without someone to take care of me. I did just fine by myself and will continue to do just fine by myself.

So I get there and I’m driving around trying to find a parking place when Lori texts me saying Matt is going to be late and doesn’t want me to think he stood me up. Those were her exact words and I’m sure they were his words too. So, if you don’t want someone to think you stood them up, it’s a date, right? Right. So, I got the impression from her that he was looking at it as a date. I knew there were going to be other people there, because it was a party. It was Matt, Tom from Coe, and another guy and girl. So, a small party, but it was fun. I was nervous that it would be awkward because I didn’t really know anybody that well but it wasn’t that bad. There were a few moments of silence but they weren’t terribly disconcerting.

The Piano Lounge is really classy, with great lighting and live music and has an extensive martini list so we all had fun picking out different martinis to try. I had a Quad Four, which had kahlua, irish crème, and some other stuff that made it taste like alcoholic chocolate ice cream. Then I had a Sexual Trance which had most of the same ingredients as a Sexy Alligator, a shot I discovered in St. Louis. Matt thought it tasted like a tootsie roll but I thought it was too fruity to taste like chocolate. It was really funny, the waitress brought Matt’s and my drinks and mixed them up every time. Matt got a Cool Caribbean the first time and then a Caramel Apple. It amused me that she thought his drinks were mine. We didn’t spend the whole time talking to each other but I think for a group date get-together thing it went really well. We did spend some time talking about stuff like music and movies and books, the usual first date stuff. He didn’t ask me a lot of questions though, which caught my attention after a while because I felt like I’d been doing all of the conversation starting. I don’t think I was talking too much because there were many points where I was just listening to the conversation between all of them about teaching and job fairs and stuff.

We still didn’t exchange phone numbers when I left (before everyone else), so I guess Lori will still have to be the intermediary. I’m trying to decide if I should be the one to approach him again of if I should wait; its his turn because while he invited me to the party, I’m the one who asked him for his number. Maybe I’ll talk to Lori about it since she knows more about him than I do right now, having worked with him for half a semester. I did invite him to come to my apartment for dinner, since I’m cooking for my brother and his girlfriend tonight but he said he was busy. Who knows if it’s true? I’m going to assume it is. Why would he lie? If he is, then that’s the end. If there’s anything I can’t stand, its not being forthcoming about your feelings. If he’s not interested then he should tell me. I suppose most guys are fairly nice and don’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings so they don’t immediately say, “I’m sorry, but I’m not interested at the moment” or something like that. Which might be painful to hear at first, but at least it’s honest. Honesty is absolutely the best policy when it comes to relationships. Absolutely, hands down, don’t ever lie to me or you’re in big trouble. I’d much rather know the truth and deal with it than piddle around trying to pull petals off a flower.

I left early, and by early I mean before everyone else. It was almost 12:30 when I left. I’d meant to leave at 11 but I must have been having a good time because I had to force myself to leave. I’m assuming they stayed until closing time. The guy who was playing the guitar was pretty decent and so we sang along to one of his songs. We saw him putting on a harmonica and I said I’d laugh really hard if he played Piano Man on the guitar. Then he broke into Piano Man. I really did laugh pretty heartily. It was too ironic. Piano Man being played on the guitar in a bar called Piano Lounge? I loved it!

Mom was kind of annoying. I made the mistake of telling her that I was going to go out and planning on coming home around eleven. She said she’d text me at 11 so I’d know when to leave. She then texted me when I got there, asking questions, texted me at 11 and threatened to come to Cedar Rapids if I didn’t return her text by 11:20. It was pretty loud in there, as it usually is in a bar that plays live music and I didn’t get her text message until it was almost 11:20. I texted her in time but she wanted me to text her when I got back to my apartment. I swear she is so paranoid and the worst part is, it made me look like I wasn’t paying attention to what was going on. I told the truth, that it was my mom and I don’t think they cared but still, it was embarrassing. Now I’ll have to tell her exactly what happened and etc when I talk to her next. I’m not telling her when I go out again until after I go out if she’s going to pester me like this. I don’t mind her knowing, I mind the pestering. Maybe I just won’t tell her times next time.

Art to Medicine

I was up til 12:45 last night. We were working on our chem poster project from 8:00 to 12:00 then I had some other homework to finish up. I woke up this morning and thought it was a dream. I really didn't think all the work I'd done was real. I almost cried. Then I realized it was real and felt better. Still tired, but better. My group and I actually got along fairly well. And, I have to say, I think our poster looks pretty good. We'll see how it actually goes tomorrow, though.

I'm looking forward to Friday evening so much. It will mean that I don't have to think about anything for at least five days. Its only five because I need to study over break for my chem test the Wednesday we come back. I should be doing okay though. I just need to work on some of the math problems. I get the theory just fine. 

I'm trying to remember yesterday but it was such a blur...thank God I made it through with no big mishaps.

I had a critique yesterday. I think it went well. I showed my mom's piece, some more Hillary pieces, and some self-portraits. There was definitely a good conversation going on. They seemed to really like my mom's portrait. Lucy predicted that they would spend the most time talking about it but I think the conversation was fairly evenly divided between the different people. I do think that Charlie is a pessimist. Okay, that might be a little harsh, but his photographic standards are so much higher than mine. I'll be honest, I'm doing this to get through the semester and get the degree. After this point I doubt I will pick up a camera and specifically create art. I will definitely take better pictures because I have experience with a camera but as for the art creation, it probably won't happen. Its not my passion. I don't care if my photographs are top quality standards because two months from now, they won't matter at all. I'll be focusing on the science and learning as much as I can to be as prepared for the MCATs as I can. 

I look back and wonder how I managed to be in art in the first place. I was in an astronomy class and I decided to drop it and switch to Drawing 1. How did I get to digital art from that? I'm having difficulty remembering. Oh, I remember taking the classes, but my thought process in pursuing art? No clue. Apparently I wrote Nana a letter my freshman year saying I wanted to be a doctor. What happened? How did I fall off the doctor bandwagon then? I hate to say it but I think it was who I was when I dated Alex. I didn't have time to dedicate to schooling - and chemistry is requiring a ton of time - and art is fairly simple to pursue and so it just happened. I don't regret it. I think having an art degree with be useful. Simply having the creative experience will look good on my resume, especially since I plan to do extremely well on the MCATs.

I have this secret plan that I will study what I learned this year (anatomy, chemistry 1&2) over the summer. A section a day, or something like that to keep the ideas fresh in my mind but the reality is that I probably won't. I might start out strong. I might do well for the first few weeks but we all know that it won't last through the whole summer. Its just too much effort, especially someone who has just graduated and now realizes that the next few years are going to be just as hectic and involved. Except this time, maybe I'll just be a regular student with no extra-curricular activities. Caleb is probably laughing now that he's read that sentence. I'm not capable of having nothing to do. I know I know, laugh all you want, Caleb. I am still planning on hanging out with you over break so we can watch the movie.

I will make it through today. I will make it through tomorrow. And then I will make it through the rest of my life. One day at a time, no matter how busy. The day always has to end. And though I bring my busy-ness and stress on myself, I would still choose to be busy than unaccomplished.

PS - Still no word from Lori about Matt, though I did have a text conversation with her yesterday. He hasn't replied to her so there's nothing she can do.

Crazy

I did a really brave thing yesterday. I texted Lori asking her for Matt’s number. Then I chickened out a few hours later – before she’d replied – and said never mind. She said she thought it would be cute and I should do it. So I told her to go ahead. Then my stomach started doing flip-flops til I got distracted by other things. Its doing one right now as I'm thinking about what I've started. I assume she texted him, but he never texted her back, as far as I know. (As of 5:30 last night.) For all I know he could have texted her back saying no and she just didn’t text me back because she was afraid of hurting my feelings. At this point, I’ve decided that I’d rather know than not know. Besides, I’m not afraid of rejection. If I get rejected, big deal. I’ll just go find another guy. Clearly I don’t have rejection issues.

I made it through the day yesterday! I had so much going on. I didn’t end up going to my sorority recruitment because I had to print the pieces for my critique today which I’d forgotten about til yesterday. Today is not looking any better than yesterday. In fact I think its worse: I have to put my art up before class actually starts, get a tri-fold poster for my chem presentations, go to an Art Club meeting, go to a Signature Home Collections party, and do my pre-lab homework. I’m going a little bit crazy right now. One step at a time, I keep telling myself, one step at a time. And none of it is stuff I can do right now. I’ve got 11-12 free, 1-2 free and 6-8 free (if I don’t go to the art club meeting or the home collections party). I have no idea how long it will take to put up my art because the one piece is actually lots of little pieces and is going to take some time to get in the right positions. It could take an hour or it could take fifteen minutes. I’m hoping for the fifteen minute one.

I did manage to get my homework done early yesterday, though why I didn’t start doing other stuff I can’t tell you. I wasn’t up past ten doing my homework, though. I know, I go to bed at 10:15 (after the news gets to the weather). It’s a little ridiculous for a college student but in all fairness I get up at 6:50 every morning to work out. I think that justifies the 10:15 bed time. By 10:15 I mean that’s when I start getting ready for bed. By the time I’ve done all that I need to do, it’s usually almost eleven. I could probably look up the weather on the computer and save time by not watching the boring parts of the news but its more fun to hear someone tell me about the weather than to read it on a computer screen. Plus, tv is kind of relaxing. I can just veg for a few minutes while I wait for the weather. Caleb calls this evening process “my ritual” and I suppose it’s a fair name. I do the same things in the same order every night, which is why I always forget to turn the fan on until I’m in bed and have read a few sentences. It isn’t until then that I notice the lack of noise.

I didn’t dream last night, thank God. I probably would be even more crazy than I already am if I’d had another Alex dream.

Emotions

I missed a phone call from my mom yesterday morning around 7:30 – probably because I was in the shower – and didn’t see it until 9:30. She had left a message saying, “Dad’s alright. We’re at the hospital.” That was it! The whole message. True, she prefaced it with “Dad’s alright” but followed with a crazy thing. I tried to get a hold of her. I called her cell phone twice then called Nana’s to see if she was at work with her cell phone off. Mary, mom’s friend and co-worker, said she was still at the hospital with Dad! So I texted her and didn’t hear back from her till 11! I was in a tiny bit of a state. It was good she said he’s okay but I’m still worried. Apparently he passed out twice yesterday morning and they don’t know why. He has a doctor’s appointment today. Oh, they also found a heart murmur. I didn’t tell Mom that I have one too. She’d probably freak out and then she’d want to know how I know I have one and then I’d have to tell her about my gynecologist and then she’d freak out even more. So, the less she knows the better.

My chem group and I got together last night to finish our poster presentation slides. I swear they have the attention span of preschoolers. They can’t focus on anything for more than five minutes without branching out into side conversations or information not relevant to the project at hand. We could probably have had the project done in less than two hours if they had done what they were supposed to do before hand – instead they showed up with a rough idea of what needed to go on their slides and we spent the time putting them together. The plus side of this is that I got to help with the phrasing so we got to use bigger words. The down side is, I felt like I did more work. I could have done the research they did. Any way, we get new groups after spring break next week so I’m looking forward to that time immensely.

I’m so happy that I made it through yesterday. I had so much stuff to do that needed to be done before a certain time. Fortunately, I got it all done. I got the WCWC printed and posted, I got more portraits and Hillary pictures done, I wrote my slides for my part of the poster presentation, I got started on my chem. homework for Wednesday and I even had time to read more pages in my book. Amanda thinks I’m going to finish the book before the week is over. Its possible. It depends on how much free time I have between now and the end of the week. I’d like to finish the book because I want to know what happens, but school comes first (most of the time!)

I’m still having dreams about Alex. We’re not together in them. Nothing like that. He just happens to be in the same dream. Twice that I can remember, he’s been in my dreams. The first one was when I was at a party with all of our old friends. I was talking to Caleb and Tim. Alex was there with Anece but no one was talking to her. Then the dream switches and Caleb and I are driving to the church parking lot. He gets out when we see Tim and I walk over to this car with a mom and two daughters in it – one age ~4 and one age ~10. The 4-year-old is pouting because she wants a pink dress like her older sister. The mom is yelling at her. I comfort and convince the 4-year-old that green is a good color too. Then the mom gets angry again that the 4-year-old likes me better. All this time Alex is sitting in the car behind the wheel while the conversation occurs in the back seat. Then the little girl shuts her leg in the door and starts crying but the mom doesn’t comfort her, I do. I leave and go back over by Caleb and Tim and we all pile into one car to go back to Alex’s party.

The second dream was that Alex had stuff of mine that he needed to give me and I had stuff of his that he needed to give me. We were going to meet at the Collins Road Plaza by my dad’s shop. He shows up in his red Celica and I get in the backseat – Caleb is in the front seat – there is an exchanging of stuff and then we just drive around like we used to do.

I wish these dreams would go away. They bother me. I don’t want to even dream about him. I want it to stop. I want him out of my life. Maybe my mind is finally dealing with breaking up with him. I was cool as a cucumber at the time that I broke up with him. I only cried once, when a song of ours came on the radio and I started thinking about the good times. Otherwise I haven’t emotionally dealt with it. Part of it is just who I am. I’m a naturally laid-back person, unlike my mother. I don’t get worked up over stuff. But you’d think that I’d be emotionally unsteady after breaking up with someone I’d been dating for three years. We’d even talked about marriage. How did I not get emotional about it? I sometimes think there is something wrong with me. I’ve never responded emotionally the way other people do.

I remember one time, my sophomore year of high school when I was riding back from a college class with Bob Scharf, a friend of mine. We were talking about emotions and feelings and I told him about not feeling normal because I don’t feel anything. You always hear about people who don’t feel normal because they think they are feeling things that no one else is feeling. What about people who don’t feel anything? Is that not normal? I do feel some things. I know what anger feels like. I know what depression feels like. And I know what joy feels like. I most often feel joyous when it’s a beautiful day outside, the sun is shining, and even if there are things I have to do or am worried about, I can’t stop myself from whistling, singing, or humming. It doesn’t have to be a warm day. Even a cold day, with light can make me feel joyous. But feelings specifically for a person? I’d have to say I couldn’t define when I’m feeling them or not feeling them. Even with Alex, there were times when I thought I was feeling love but it wasn’t an all the time feeling. Maybe when I meet my true love I will be feeling the “all-the-time feeling” of love. I’m worried that I might not ever feel it though.

I don’t get worked up over a lot of things. It takes a lot to make me angry. For example, my group has been awful this whole semester but its taken 5 weeks of them to finally make me angry about it. But not angry enough to do anything about it. Just angry enough for me to resent them. And depression usually comes about if I’m bored for too long. So, I try not to be bored. Caleb hates it but I’m always busy. I always have something going on. We’ve been trying to hang out and watch this movie he wants to see but I just haven’t had more than an hour free at a time when he’s had an hour free. We’ll have to do it over spring break. I don’t deal well with boredom and I’ll need something to keep me occupied over break.

I think I’ve said enough for one day.

Matt x 2

This was a really interesting weekend. We had a party for Lori Friday night to celebrate it being her last day having to student teach kindergarten. She starts 5th grade in a week – the grade she’s wanted to teach all along. Lori, Amanda, and I went to Godfather’s Pizza for supper. We had to wait 45 minutes for our pizza while people who ordered after us got their pizza before us. I didn’t really care that much though. Ever since I’ve worked at Vanity, I’ve been much more relaxed about people in the service industries. Especially since I suspect that I will be getting a waitressing job for over the summer and through the next school year.

We came back to the apartment and hung out, waiting for people to show up. We told them to come around 7-7:30. Caitlin showed up with Amber Caylor and we had fun talking. Then Lori’s fellow student teachers, Tom and Matt, showed up. Tom is from Coe and I know him because he used to work in the writing center. Freshman year we were actually a little bit close. I hung out in his room a lot the first semester. I don’t really remember how it came about that we stopped being friends and hanging out. I suspect it has something to do with Alex being jealous and me caving to his wishes. Not that I regret it. Tom has turned a little pompous as the years have gone by. Still, he’s a nice guy all around.

Matt. Matt was awesome. Okay, maybe I should be more specific. Lori said he was cute and he was Catholic and he might be late because he was working at a fish fry that evening. He ended up making it on time though. I must admit to having developed a small crush on him. I haven’t met a decent guy in quite some time, at least not one that I was interested in pursuing a relationship with. Matt has potential. We were playing a dice game and he had to get down on his knees, take a swig, then sing a song. He broke out in “You’ve Lost that Lovin’ Feeling”, Top Gun style. It was adorable. Turns out, he was in the Navy. And now he’s student teaching kindergarten. How adorable is that? I don’t think it can get much better than that. Tough and tender all in one package. (P.S.- He likes Gone with the Wind!)

Mom called me Saturday morning and I hadn’t been thinking about last night but she bombarded me with questions as if she knew something had happened. I swear she has a 6th sense. She knows things without ever being told by anyone. In fact, she told me later than afternoon that she had suspected I’d met someone. I was thinking about him while cleaning Dad’s shop. I told Dad and my brother Adam about him while I was there and I was going to call Mom, too, but I had accidentally mopped myself away from my cell phone and by the time I got back to it, I’d forgotten again. So when she talked to me in the afternoon, Dad and Adam had already told her and she was angry that I was “hiding things from her” when I really wasn’t. So I got angry then we worked it out. My mom is kind of crazy sometimes.

Matt was going to come over and watch The Unsinkable Molly Brown with my roommates and me on Saturday night but he had a migraine. Now, since Lori is my connection and she’s going to visit her parents in Kentucky, I won’t be able to see him to see if my feelings are real or imagined out of loneliness for another two weeks at least. (She's gone a whole week then next week is spring break!) I’m trying to decide if I have enough guts to get his number from Lori and call him myself, maybe ask him out on a date. But I told Caleb I was going to make the guy come to me. But thinking about the movie He’s Just Not That Into You, if I don’t take the initiative, maybe I’ll be missing out. The worst thing he can do is turn me down. I’m pretty sure I’ve heard enough from guys that they like having the pressure of asking a girl out taken off their hands. I can handle rejection. I was practically stood up last semester when Matt – talk about irony – said yes in the beginning of the week then called me the day of to cancel because he’s already in another relationship. Talk about harsh. Especially since I see him every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday in choir.

Do I have the guts to call him out of the blue and ask him? Did I really feel that much of a connection or am I just desperate? I feel like I should see him again in a social setting before making the gutsy move I know I’m quite capable of. I’m just not sure I did feel anything. Maybe I should pump Mom for more information about her feeling. Was it a good feeling? Or a bad feeling? Should I go after him? Should I have patience?

ASA formal is at the end of the month and I RSVP’d that I would have a date. If it comes right down to it and I still don't have a date I’ll take my brother or Caleb. But I think I’d like to take Matt. I put a little pressure on myself by saying I’d bring a date. I almost wish I hadn’t. Too late, though. Amanda says she’s going to take Ashley, which will be fun. We’ve kind of adopted her into our own private sector of ASA. And Lori’s fiancée Josh will be here too. I’ll be the odd woman out if I don’t have a date. I want a date. I want a relationship. I want my gut to stop wrenching every time I see a romantic kiss in a movie.