Emotions

I missed a phone call from my mom yesterday morning around 7:30 – probably because I was in the shower – and didn’t see it until 9:30. She had left a message saying, “Dad’s alright. We’re at the hospital.” That was it! The whole message. True, she prefaced it with “Dad’s alright” but followed with a crazy thing. I tried to get a hold of her. I called her cell phone twice then called Nana’s to see if she was at work with her cell phone off. Mary, mom’s friend and co-worker, said she was still at the hospital with Dad! So I texted her and didn’t hear back from her till 11! I was in a tiny bit of a state. It was good she said he’s okay but I’m still worried. Apparently he passed out twice yesterday morning and they don’t know why. He has a doctor’s appointment today. Oh, they also found a heart murmur. I didn’t tell Mom that I have one too. She’d probably freak out and then she’d want to know how I know I have one and then I’d have to tell her about my gynecologist and then she’d freak out even more. So, the less she knows the better.

My chem group and I got together last night to finish our poster presentation slides. I swear they have the attention span of preschoolers. They can’t focus on anything for more than five minutes without branching out into side conversations or information not relevant to the project at hand. We could probably have had the project done in less than two hours if they had done what they were supposed to do before hand – instead they showed up with a rough idea of what needed to go on their slides and we spent the time putting them together. The plus side of this is that I got to help with the phrasing so we got to use bigger words. The down side is, I felt like I did more work. I could have done the research they did. Any way, we get new groups after spring break next week so I’m looking forward to that time immensely.

I’m so happy that I made it through yesterday. I had so much stuff to do that needed to be done before a certain time. Fortunately, I got it all done. I got the WCWC printed and posted, I got more portraits and Hillary pictures done, I wrote my slides for my part of the poster presentation, I got started on my chem. homework for Wednesday and I even had time to read more pages in my book. Amanda thinks I’m going to finish the book before the week is over. Its possible. It depends on how much free time I have between now and the end of the week. I’d like to finish the book because I want to know what happens, but school comes first (most of the time!)

I’m still having dreams about Alex. We’re not together in them. Nothing like that. He just happens to be in the same dream. Twice that I can remember, he’s been in my dreams. The first one was when I was at a party with all of our old friends. I was talking to Caleb and Tim. Alex was there with Anece but no one was talking to her. Then the dream switches and Caleb and I are driving to the church parking lot. He gets out when we see Tim and I walk over to this car with a mom and two daughters in it – one age ~4 and one age ~10. The 4-year-old is pouting because she wants a pink dress like her older sister. The mom is yelling at her. I comfort and convince the 4-year-old that green is a good color too. Then the mom gets angry again that the 4-year-old likes me better. All this time Alex is sitting in the car behind the wheel while the conversation occurs in the back seat. Then the little girl shuts her leg in the door and starts crying but the mom doesn’t comfort her, I do. I leave and go back over by Caleb and Tim and we all pile into one car to go back to Alex’s party.

The second dream was that Alex had stuff of mine that he needed to give me and I had stuff of his that he needed to give me. We were going to meet at the Collins Road Plaza by my dad’s shop. He shows up in his red Celica and I get in the backseat – Caleb is in the front seat – there is an exchanging of stuff and then we just drive around like we used to do.

I wish these dreams would go away. They bother me. I don’t want to even dream about him. I want it to stop. I want him out of my life. Maybe my mind is finally dealing with breaking up with him. I was cool as a cucumber at the time that I broke up with him. I only cried once, when a song of ours came on the radio and I started thinking about the good times. Otherwise I haven’t emotionally dealt with it. Part of it is just who I am. I’m a naturally laid-back person, unlike my mother. I don’t get worked up over stuff. But you’d think that I’d be emotionally unsteady after breaking up with someone I’d been dating for three years. We’d even talked about marriage. How did I not get emotional about it? I sometimes think there is something wrong with me. I’ve never responded emotionally the way other people do.

I remember one time, my sophomore year of high school when I was riding back from a college class with Bob Scharf, a friend of mine. We were talking about emotions and feelings and I told him about not feeling normal because I don’t feel anything. You always hear about people who don’t feel normal because they think they are feeling things that no one else is feeling. What about people who don’t feel anything? Is that not normal? I do feel some things. I know what anger feels like. I know what depression feels like. And I know what joy feels like. I most often feel joyous when it’s a beautiful day outside, the sun is shining, and even if there are things I have to do or am worried about, I can’t stop myself from whistling, singing, or humming. It doesn’t have to be a warm day. Even a cold day, with light can make me feel joyous. But feelings specifically for a person? I’d have to say I couldn’t define when I’m feeling them or not feeling them. Even with Alex, there were times when I thought I was feeling love but it wasn’t an all the time feeling. Maybe when I meet my true love I will be feeling the “all-the-time feeling” of love. I’m worried that I might not ever feel it though.

I don’t get worked up over a lot of things. It takes a lot to make me angry. For example, my group has been awful this whole semester but its taken 5 weeks of them to finally make me angry about it. But not angry enough to do anything about it. Just angry enough for me to resent them. And depression usually comes about if I’m bored for too long. So, I try not to be bored. Caleb hates it but I’m always busy. I always have something going on. We’ve been trying to hang out and watch this movie he wants to see but I just haven’t had more than an hour free at a time when he’s had an hour free. We’ll have to do it over spring break. I don’t deal well with boredom and I’ll need something to keep me occupied over break.

I think I’ve said enough for one day.