My Show

I'm getting ready for my senior show by printing my stuff. I spent all of last night worried about it and only got about 5 hours of sleep. This sucks. I have to cut my pieces by hand because they printer paper is too big and we don't have any smaller rolls. Its going to take me forever. I'm going to go nuts.

Shame on me - I'm skipping Chemistry today. I didn't do the homework and I'm freaking out about getting my show done so I can miss one day of chemistry. I haven't missed any days so far. One day is not going to hurt. Hopefully I don't miss anything important. I doubt I will. Most of my learning is done on my own or by asking him questions outside of class. 

I'm worried about cutting my prints. They are so big. I don't know if I can get them cut decently straight if I do it by hand. Lucy said to be sure I used a clean surface, a straight edge, and an exacto knife. The last two aren't a problem but finding a clean surface in Dows? Good luck. Every surface has paint, charcoal, ink, or graphite on it somewhere. How am I going to find a clean surface big enough to handle my prints? I'm stumped. Actually I'm not, I have a plan. I'm going to go up to the middle room and clear off a table and put new brown paper down and do it there. Hopefully Lucy doesn't need it for her photography class at 10 am. My hope is to be done cutting by noon so I can go to choir but I'm not sure that will happen. Hopefully I'll be close enough that I can feel comfortable not being done and still have plenty of time to hand things. It would help if I don't have to constrain my time to 3-5 Monday through Thursday because I have class til 4 every day except Wednesday (which goes til 6). Three hours might not be enough time to hang my show. Peter will let me out of color class this afternoon at three, probably but tomorrow and Thursday is my film class and I can't just leave in the middle of a movie. Maybe Mariah (the gallery director) will be flexible and let me in after 5pm. That's really my only option for getting this show hung in time. My hope is to have it hung today and Tuesday so that by Wednesday I can just worry about lighting, if that even needs worrying about.

The scentsy order from last Sunday's party was put in last night and Abby says it will probably be here by next week. I'm hoping that after this weekend I will feel much better in regards to my stress level. I should. I'll only have Chemistry, Film and Color class to worry about and Color isn't hard. The only one I'll have to do a lot of work for still is chemistry and without my show hanging over my head, I should be able to catch back up on what I know I'm going to fall behind in this week. I'm actually nervous for my show, that people will think its dumb and not really art or something like that. I need to get an energy drink or I'm never going to make it through today. I should probably buy several (Rockstar Juiced + Guava (the purple kind) is my favorite). I don't think I'll be getting much sleep this week at all. I had Mom send some melatonin to work with Dad so I can get it and use it this week. I don't want to be exhausted by Friday because I want to be alert and happy for the opening. I think a lot of my family is coming and I like that. I want lots of people to come. 

I'm still pissed at ASA for scheduling fall retreat for at the same time. 

I'm printing the last one! Then I can start cutting! Hopefully I have enough time. I'm crossing my fingers. It would be a huge load off my mind if I could get everything done today. By everything I mean cut and organized for how I want it on the walls. I'm not so ambitious I think I can get it printed and hung in two days. Besides, I'm thinking about the layout I want on the walls. I know I want Mom's piece on the short wall, but how to organize Hillary's images are another matter. I'm thinking about a non=traditional arrangement because I think it would be more interesting but I need to decide on what order and what specific arrangement. I probably won't know til I get in the gallery and start laying things out. I wonder if I can leave stuff in the gallery and will it be safe? I would assume so because they have installation pieces that must take several days to set up. Leaving my prints on the floor should be safe to do. I hope so because otherwise I'm going to be very frustrated.

busy.

Busy, busy, busy, is what I’ve been all week but I also feel like I’ve accomplished a lot. I have not fallen too far behind in chemistry, I am all caught up in my film class, I went to Advanced Art this week (I missed it last week) and I’ve gotten a good handle on my senior show.

I went to Potter’s yesterday with Lori and finished painting the two pieces that Mom had commissioned. One was a mug that said “Randi” because Mom’s co-worker Randi is always taking her mug and using it so Mom thought it would be nice to get one for her. I made it blue and white striped with yellow stars and letters. The other commission was a plate for Sherri because Sherri put in her two weeks notice at the daycare and she’s one of Mom’s best friends. There are no hard feelings about her leaving because she got offered a full-time position at the vet’s office which includes benefits, something she doesn’t get working at Nana’s daycare. So Mom asked me to make her a plate that says, “Laughter adds years to your life, enjoy each and every day.” I made it all in purple with green and yellow accents because purple is her favorite color.

I’m probably going to have to quit Potter’s when I graduate. I talked to Michelle (my boss) yesterday and she said she wasn’t going to have a lot of hours for over the summer and its not really practical for me to work there when I’m also working and going to school in Iowa City. It will free up my weekends which is good and bad. With the job at Pearson as a professional scorer, I can work days or evenings. Days pays more so I’m going to try and get the scoring jobs during the day. Hopefully I’ll be able to do evenings when I’m in school over the next school year so I can still have a steady income even while learning. I’m thinking I’ll tell Michelle that I can be available when no one else can work on a weekend but to not schedule me regularly. So it will be like a substitute sort of thing. That way I’ll still be on staff there and helping out but I won’t be cutting into the other girls’ hours.

I’m still worried about life after graduation. Its like my life has been one specific journey so far. I knew that I would go to school, then college. I knew that was the plan but the plan for after college? That’s all up to me and really, I’m not sure if I still want to be a doctor. Maybe I do want to do something in health services but what if its being a nurse? What if its being an administrator? What if its doing research? I don’t really have a clue what my options are. I could be going down this path of becoming a doctor just because I don’t really know what any of my other options are.

Movies, Chemistry, Art

Last night I did nothing but watch tv for five hours and it felt really good. I watched an hour of CSI: New York then we watched Vicky Christina Barcelona, which was really good. It’s a Woody Allen film and from what I’ve seen of his stuff, I really like it. Ironically, he has another movie, Scoop, which also stars Scarlett Johansen. Apparently, as I’m looking at imdb.com he also wrote and directed the movie Match Point which she is also in and was nominated for a best actress award for. The movie is not your typical movie, but no Woody Allen film ever is, or so I’m told. There was a narrator which was very interesting to have because a lot of what was said was implied but Ashley commented, “It’s kind of like reading a book,” which made me think of my film class and how we’re studying the French New Wave and one of the aspects of that theory is that every director is like an author of his film, creating in an audiovisual language. I’m trying to think of a way I can bring this up in class tomorrow but maybe I’ll just hold it inside and ponder it, instead.

The other movie we watched was Rachel Getting Married, which stars Anne Hathaway. It was not as enjoyable as Vicky Christina Barcelona because it was much more depressing. Its about this girl, Kim, who’s sister Rachel is getting married so she comes home from Rehab to be with the family but they all have a thing against her because she “killed” their little brother by being stoned out of her mind and driving off a bridge. The problems were kind of resolved in the end, but in a very vague and tenuous way, so it didn’t have the typical Hollywood ending. That in itself was enjoyable but I wanted more to go with in the end but there wasn’t much offered.

I didn’t get my chemistry homework done yesterday, though not from lack of trying. I have tried three similar problems and I thought I knew exactly how to do them and I did them and they don’t work. I know what answers I’m supposed to get but I don’t seem to be getting them. I can’t get the math to work out right, though I know the theory behind it. I know exactly how to set them up (I think) and I know how to solve them (I think) but putting it into practice is another matter entirely. I really hope I don’t start to cry in chemistry class today. (I know, you’re thinking, cry? Really? But yes, I will cry if I get too frustrated with this.) Its not that I’m giving up on it and its not that I don’t think I can do it. The problem is just that I cry when I’m frustrated. It irritates me that I’m given a task to do without being given an example to work from. I’m not good with the whole figure it out yourself thing when it comes to math problems. I’m sure I’m just doing some small math thing that’s throwing my answers off but I can’t see what it could be and I need someone to look at it and say, “Oh, you forgot to multiply through by five,” or something silly like that and I’ll smack myself and say, “Oh, I feel so stupid, thanks for pointing that out, now I can get the right answer,” and everything will work out fine and in future problems I’ll remember the step I missed and be able to not miss it again. But I can’t do that if no one can tell me what I’m doing wrong. Even worse, there is a help session scheduled today at 4pm and I can’t go because I have class. The one time I would actually go to a help session for something and he schedules it during a time when I have class.

I do have other options. I’m going to talk to him after class about it and hopefully he’ll be able to look at it and tell me what I’m doing wrong but knowing him, he’ll probably say something obscure and abstract and leave me to wonder if I’m doing it right or not still, instead of helping me.

I got Mom’s address book from Dad this morning and I’m going to address my postcards this afternoon. Hopefully I can get them all done so I can mail them today as well. I’m so nervous for my show. I have less than two weeks and I’m freaking out because I still feel like I’m wandering in the dark with my hands outstretched hoping I don’t run into anything big, sharp, and dangerous. So far, so good, but who knows how time will work between now and then. I still haven’t asked Charlie about helping me print but I can ask him today in Advanced Art Research. Hopefully he will be able to help me so I can get things hung and organized in a way that will make them look good without being too terribly time consuming. I’m not going to have a lot of time next week either and I’ve got to rewrite my artist’s statement, write a price list, and figure out where exactly my pictures will be hanging.

Art Show, Med programs

My goal for yesterday was to get all of my homework done so I could have nothing to do tonight. I got very close. Technically, I still have work to do on my pointillist painting but I’m tired of making dots and from far away it looks like the whole thing is dots instead of layers of solid color with dots on top. I don’t know what I’m going to do with tonight but I know I don’t want to have anything to do. On that note, I have chemistry to do before I will be in the clear but that won’t take me very long and then I’ll have the whole evening free.

Probably there’s things I can do for my show next weekend but I don’t want to do anything tonight and I don’t have anything pressing that needs doing so I’m going to put everything off for a day. The funny thing is that I feel more relaxed after this past weekend than I did over the entire spring break. I have no idea why, because it was more stuff in less time but I feel better and more in control than I did last week. Maybe it’s because a week was too long to be away from stuff and doing things. Maybe it’s because I got a lot accomplished and decided not to include the self-portraits in the show. Maybe it’s a combination of a lot of things. Who knows?

I accomplished a lot yesterday and I don’t even feel bad for going to bed without finishing my film reading. I finished it this morning with plenty of time. This is a drive I could probably keep going with for the rest of the week if I so chose. The secret, I think, is to not give yourself time to think, just to create a plan and put it into action, ignoring the other options. I could have skipped my writing center meeting yesterday but I went because it was in the plan to go. I could have not done my pointillist painting last night but I did it for two hours and then went and did my film class reading. The trick is to avoid tv and reading. If I can keep myself from sitting in front of the tv and keep myself from picking up my book, I’ll be golden. Plus, I’ll be rewarding myself tonight for my good behavior. I can read and watch tv and I’ll probably stay up later than I need to but it will be relaxing and enjoyable.

Probably I should call Mom and get addresses for my postcards so I can send them to family but she gives piano lessons tonight and probably won’t have time to give me addresses. I have Nana’s, Aunt Nettie’s, and Grandma Duck’s addresses so I could get those sent as soon as I write them out but there’s all the rest of the immediate family and I’ve no idea what their addresses are. I should have Mom send her address book to work with Dad so she doesn’t have to do it over the phone. Maybe she’ll have some time after lessons and I can get them mailed tomorrow.

I’m worried about printing my show. I have no idea what I’m doing and I’m probably going to mess things up a lot. I need to talk to Charlie about printing, as much as he irritates me. He probably knows the most about printing because he’s been working on a project regarding printing techniques. Unfortunately, he will then pick up on the fact that I don’t care about art nearly as much as he does. Honestly, I’ll probably never do anything like this again in my life but I’m doing it now because I have to in order to graduate. Charlie is so passionate about his art that it overwhelms me. Plus, he plays his music really loud in the Dows computer lab when I’m working that I can’t hear my own music and that really annoys me, too. I’ll have to suck it up though, and get working on printing. I’ll see if Charlie can help me print on Sunday evening, or Monday evening. Maybe he’ll be able to help me.

I had a meeting with Dr. Leonardo, the biology professor and pre-med advisor. He told me that some med schools have programs that cater to people like me, who decided to go to med school late and need the requirements before they can apply to med school or take the MCATs. He gave me a contact and I emailed him yesterday but he hasn’t emailed me back yet. I hope its not too late to apply for in the fall. Otherwise it will be wasted effort because I’m not going to wait to take the MCATs just because I didn’t get the information I needed soon enough. I’m already going to have a year between next year and med school. I don’t want to have to wait a year longer. If there is a program at Iowa for this, then I could get a Masters degree out of it, which is always advantageous. My other option is to go to Kaplan University and see if they have the classes I need. Maybe they will have a genetics class I can take this summer. Dr. Leonardo told me I should take genetics in order to be prepared for the MCATs. I’m glad he told me because I wouldn’t have even known to take it. I also wouldn’t have known about the Masters program options.

I’m glad there are nice people in the world.

Living at Home

This weekend was really busy. Friday I got to relax and watched a movie and finished a book. Saturday I worked at Dad’s shop, worked at Potters, went shopping for a dress for formal, went to church got ready for Heather Mann’s party, went to Heather Mann’s party, went to the Presidential Ball, then went to bed. Yesterday I got up, cleaned the apartment, made frog’s eyes, and had our scentsy party then did homework, went to an ASA meeting and watched desperate housewives.

Hectic.

My postcards still aren’t done. They were supposed to be done on Friday and I went to pick them up and they looked like crap because they didn’t center the image on the paper so some of the edges were a lot smaller or nonexistent for the white border around the main image. Fortunately, the guy was really nice about it and in fact said, “These look like ass,” which made me smile and helped me not to cry because they weren’t done. He said they’d redo them and I’m going to (cross my fingers) pick them up this afternoon.

I'm kind of scared to graduate. I’ve gotten used to the college life and now its going to change again. Living at home is going to be very different. I’m used to having things a certain way and when they’re not that way, I’m going to be frustrated. I realized this when I was home for spring break. I find it really difficult to stick to my routine when I’m at home because they don’t do things the way that I do them. Plus, I won’t have personal access to the tv. I’ll have to share it a lot more than I usually do. Also, I’m spoiled at home because there’s a guide and I can find shows I want to watch even if they are on commercial at the time. At Coe, if its on a commercial I skip it and so I get to bed much earlier because I don’t see that the shows I’d like to watch are actually on. I know this is a minor detail but its just one of the many things that I’m going to have to get used to. I want to try and convince Mom and Dad to let me get cable in my room. I need to make it my own personal adult space and a tv with cable would be really helpful. I’ve lost the refrigerator argument which I’m okay with because it generates a lot of heat during the summer and that would make my room too hot. I will not give up my tv, though.

I’m scared to move home, too, because I’m really bad at doing homework there. Of course, I’m really bad at doing homework here, too, but less bad than when I’m at home. Here I have space to spread out and do stuff. At home I’ll have to first work at finding a clear space to do my homework.

I’m just complaining for the sake of complaining. Everything will work out fine. I know because I did live there for 18 years before coming to Coe and I’ll probably be there for at least 4 more. *sigh* I wish it wasn’t so. I’m a much more fastidious person than I used to be. I keep my stuff fairly organized. Stuff is much less organized at my house. I’m not complaining by any means and I know that both Mom and Dad are gone at work all day and come home and don’t want to clean up. I’m just saying that when I live there, if I have free time during the day, I’m going to be cleaning house and picking up and organizing things and keeping the mess down. The biggest problem is that if you don’t stay on top of housework, it piles up very quickly. Mostly I’m talking about the kitchen but also the paper clutter piles all over the kitchen table and the island. They will be organized and put where they need to go when I’m living there.

I’m taking home a tub of stuff a weekend from now until the end of the school year. Hopefully this will help for when I move out at the end. I will have less stuff to pack up and take home because I will have taken much of it home already. So far I think I’m doing pretty good. I’ve got a lot of stuff here that I don’t use or haven’t used in a long time and don’t foresee myself using any time between now and the end of the school year and if I do need it, I’ll find another way. I’ve taken two tubs full home already. I’m working on filling a third tub. My plan is to throw stuff in the tub over the week then when I go home, take the whole thing and unpack it when I’m there so I can bring it back and start over again. I like it because it will mean less work in the long run for me and my family when they help me move out of here. The biggest issue is that I still have so much stuff here. I’ve been living here for almost a year. I moved in last May and I’ll move out this May. A year is a long time to accumulate stuff, especially when you have a whole apartment to spread out in. Now it all has to fit into my room at home (which is not going to accommodate all of it by any means.)

Books: I finished two books over the weekend. Reserved for the Cat by Mercedes Lackey is the first book I finished (Friday evening.) It’s a part of a series of books called the Elemental Masters series that I really enjoy. Each book is loosely based on a fairy tale. This one was based on Puss in Boots. It was alright. I liked it because the main character was a ballerina. I gave it to Hillary because I thought she would like it too. The second book I finished was Undead and Unpopular by Mary Janice Davidson. This is another book in a series I’ve been reading. They are really funny, light reads. I’ve read this one before by accident because I picked it up on cd and listened to it without realizing that it was not the first book in the series. My one issue with this series is that things happen between books that they talk about in the book and make me think that I missed a book somewhere. They aren’t numbered for series order so I get very confused when they talk about some people that I’ve never met before as though I should remember them from a previous book. Minor detail to complain about, though, because the rest of the book is usually very entertaining.

Stress, still?

I am so stressed out. On Wednesday I didn’t go to any of my classes after chemistry because Prof. Singleton freaked me out by saying the stuff we read about chapter 14 was fair game for the test and I didn’t fully understand it yet. My brain was still going round in circles from Tuesday night trying to sleep and having all of those things going on in my head so I just left campus and didn’t come back for a few hours.

I went to my brother’s choir concert at noon and then studied at Barnes and Noble for a few hours before deciding to come back and work on my postcards for my show and my artist’s statement.

The postcards are a nightmare. I brought a paper copy to Fedex Kinko’s yesterday and they said, “Well, where’s your digital copy?” No one told me I needed a digital copy to give to them. Well, that was the straw that broke the camel’s back, to borrow a saying, and I started sobbing and couldn’t stop for about 15 minutes. It doesn’t sound like a very long time but 15 minutes of sobbing is a long time. It takes a lot of energy to sob and I didn’t really have a lot of energy. When I was done I ended up with a killer headache. I made it back to Coe and into my room and managed to email a copy to Fedex Kinko’s and thought that I was in the clear. I was wrong. I didn’t bother to check my email after that but apparently the email was too big with all of the attachments and it didn’t go through but I didn’t find that out until this morning when I checked my email again.

So, now my stress level is right back to where it was before I got the postcard situation sort of under control. Its right back to being out of control and its driving me nuts. I can’t stand it. I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to have to deal with this right now. I need help. I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m tired of being in control and pretending I know what I’m doing. I can’t handle this. It needs to go away. I’m trying to think of something I can get rid of in my life but there’s really nothing I can get rid of. I’m already at bare-bones. I haven’t been to an ASA thing in quite some time. I don’t do Art Club any more. What else is there to drop that isn’t necessary for some reason.

I went to Bible Study last night. I missed those girls. I love my bible study. They are such wonderful women and I am so glad that Trish emailed me and asked me to join. It was exactly what I was looking for. I didn’t go last week because it was spring break and Thursday was the only night that mom and dad had free to take to out to dinner. I think that its really important for my prayer life that I go to bible study. I tend to fall off the prayer bandwagon if I don’t get regular inspiration. I’m the youngest of the group (22) and the rest of them are in their upper 20’s to early 30’s, and married, and all but Trish have children. Still, I don’t think I would be as interested in a group closer to my age because they wouldn’t be as comfortable talking about their faith. Besides, I know very few Catholic women my age who are interested in sharing and developing their faith. So, being in this group is a good thing and I wouldn’t give it up for the world.

I’m looking forward to this evening. I work at Potter’s Obsession from 4-8 and then I’m doing nothing but relaxing this evening. I have nothing hanging over my head that I can take care of on a Friday night. I can relax and watch a movie. Hopefully it will be enough to get rid of some of the stress of this week. When I worked at Vanity it was right next to City Look Salon and Spa and they have massages. I’m seriously tempted to schedule a de-stressing massage. Its $35 for a half hour distressing massage and I think it would be totally worth it. I might save it for after my show, though, so I can get rid of a lot of it at once. Once my show is done, my stress level will probably be cut in half. I can relax and focus on chemistry and studying for my two finals I will have. I can also focus on getting registered for classes in the fall for at Iowa.

Prof. Leonardo saw me in the hall and stopped me, saying I should come in and talk to him because I have options I didn’t even know I had available for further schooling. He mentioned something about a Masters in Medical Assisting? That could be really interesting. I sent him an email so we can find a time to get together and chat about it sometime next week. I’m kind of excited about it, now. I’m glad he stopped me and I’m really flattered that he remembered what I wanted to do. I took Cell and Molec bio with him my first semester of my freshman year and haven’t had a class with him since but he’s remembered me ever since then and I think that’s really cool. It makes me feel really special.

Stress

My mind is still in a fog. The same one from Monday was present yesterday. Even at my job interview in the morning. There were about 30 people interviewing. It wasn’t for just one job though, it was for multiple jobs. I got the job but I can’t be officially hired until I present them with my diploma, which I will receive on May 10th. My mind was fuzzy all day. By fuzzy I mean that there seemed to be two different me’s: the one who was doing what she said she would do – be at an interview, write a paper, study chemistry, etc, - and the me who was watching me do it and wondering why.

That sounds a little scary but its more disturbing than scary I think. I watch myself do the things I’m supposed to do and wonder how I’m ever going to get it all done. Then when I go to bed at night, exhausted, my mind can’t stop moving around. I kept going in circles last night. From my senior show, to the postcards that need printing, to the job, to signing up for classes at Kirkwood, to signing up for classes in the fall at Iowa, to the requirements I need to do in order to graduate, and back to the senior show, around and around until sleep was absolutely unattainable. Ironically, I’ve stopped worrying about the test tonight. What happens will happen and I doubt anything I do now is going to drastically change its outcome. Really I’m just trying to stay afloat.

The scariest part was that last night the though popped into my head, “What would happen if I just gave up? Is that like committing suicide?”

Then something inside me realized what I was thinking and overrode it but the fact that it honestly popped into my head is a huge indicator of how stressed I am feeling. This weekend I have a lot to do socially, as well and I’m not sure I can handle it. I’m supposed to go to a party Friday night with Lori and Amanda but I’m going to tell them I can’t. I’ve got so much to do and so much stress that I need to use that time to either unwind or get stuff done and going to a party will not help either situation.

I can’t remember feeling this stressed. It bothers me that I’m this wound up. My usual approach is to do things about the stuff that is stressing me out and if I can’t do anything about it than stop worrying about it (though it doesn't always work that way). So, here’s my approach: It worries me that I can’t sleep because I know sleep is important. I’m out of melatonin (a sleep-inducing hormone produced by your body) so I’m going to get some today. My postcards I’m going to do after the chemistry test this evening, no matter what time it is because it’s only two weeks and a half weeks until my show. That will be two things out of the way. Friday evening I will do the loan exit counseling so I can start the senior checklist and get the ball rolling with that since it needs to be done before March is over.

I just made a checklist for myself in order to organize my life. I like lists. They make me feel better and make me feel like I’m accomplishing things as I cross things off the list. (I can now cross one thing off the list because I did it on my way to the Writing Center!)

I keep telling myself, "If I can only make it through the week, things will get better," which is ironic because I was telling myself that same thing the week before break and its been two weeks and things aren't really better. Hopefully, if I keep giving myself positive things to look forward to, like next Tuesday evening when I don't have anything to do that I know of, I will not break down. I had a mini break down last night when I couldn't sleep. I raved a little bit at Amanda about how soon my show was and how much I had to do to get ready for it. Lucy isn't any help because she keeps telling me, "Just keep working, just keep working," but that's not working for me. I can't keep working because I'm too stressed out about my show.

I think that sometime soon I will have a much bigger break down. It's like the pre-tremors before a really big earthquake: there's a whole bunch of little ones that finally culminate in one really big earthquake. I'm afraid that my really big earthquake will damage something irreparably. But no, I need to stop worrying about that. There's nothing I can do right now that will fix the problem.

Thank God that I was raised the way I was. I was not raised to give up. I was raised to persevere and by God I will persevere until it kills me. I will keep going even if my inner self is watching me do things that it can't believe I'm actually doing. I will keep going even when I think I can't anymore. I will keep going because there are only 29 school days left until I receive my degree and I'll be damned if I'm going to let four years of work go down the drain just because I couldn't get my shit together.

Books: I finished Atonement last night. It was really good. I like it better than the movie. I understood what was going on a little better than when I watched the movie. That being said, the movie was actually very true to the book, from what I remember. I will definitely have to read the book again and see the movie again. I feel like there's something important that I didn't understand which is perhaps the point because of the little girl who doesn't really understand either but I want to understand so I will continue to re-read and re-watch it until I understand what its saying or understand why I don't understand. Absolutely going in my favorite books pile.

Blurbs

Well, I managed to make it through yesterday, though it was in a sort of mental haze. I don’t know why but I was just not focused on anything. I didn’t skip anything, though, which I sometimes do when I’m in that haze. I still have a chemistry test tomorrow and I’m still not as prepared as I’d like to be but I’m not nearly as stressed about it as I was yesterday. Maybe its because I know the material better than some of the other people who were at the help session last night. I answered questions and while I got some wrong, I figured out why they were wrong. The question is not whether or not I will pass the test. I will pass. The question is whether I will confidently pass or barely pass.

It was really sad moving Betty back home last night. I miss her being here with us. Whenever I go to the bathroom she sits outside the door and rushes in as I go out so she can look in the toilet and watch it flush. I don’t know what goes through her mind but she’s fascinated by the toilet flushing. Crazy and silly and lovable. At least its only 30 school days til the end of the semester (not including finals week) then I’ll move home and be able to live with her again.

I really don’t want to do my Color project. We’re supposed to be doing a pointillist painting and I don’t know how to do it. It confuses me. I suppose the point (haha!) is that I’m supposed to learn how to do it but that’s not usually how it goes in this class or most of my art classes. Most of my classes I’ve got it figured out before I even go in and do the project. I have a plan of attack, I execute it, and the grade I get is the grade I get. In the pointillist project I’ve got no plan of attack. How am I supposed to make multiple colors appear as one? Its one thing to do it on the computer but to have to mix all of the colors by hand and possibly get them wrong and have to keep mixing til I get the right color is so tedious and wasteful of paint. I’m whining: I don’t want to do this.

I HAVE to make the postcards for my senior show. I need to get them out ASAP because the show is in three weeks! Eek! I wish I’d gotten them out sooner but things keep getting in the way with more pressing deadlines. Wednesday night after my chemistry test, no matter what, I’m going to make myself go do it. I have hoops I need to jump through in order to get them printed and the sooner I start jumping the sooner I can get them mailed.

Difference

Lots of things to talk about! I did absolutely nothing over break like I said I was going to and then break was over and had done nothing and felt horrible. My new resolution is to never do nothing again – at least not for too long, maybe a few hours but no more.

I have bad news. We got an email saying that they know about Betty and I have to get rid of her by Tuesday. Its not a huge deal because they aren’t even going to fine us unless she’s here tomorrow. I was planning on going home tonight anyway so I’ll take her with me when I go. What we can’t figure out though, is how they know she’s even here. No one saw me bring her in, I’m pretty sure. We don’t think anyone told because we’ve only told people we trust. The only thing I can think is that someone came in the apartment over break and saw the litter box and toys laying around. Lori was here over break so it must have been during the day when she was at school. Otherwise we can’t figure out how they found out. Also, if they’d known sooner, wouldn’t they have told us to get rid of her over break? The email was sent just after midnight this morning. So the only other option is that they saw me put her in the tub I used to get her inside. Either way, there’s only 6 ½ weeks til school is over so I’ll just take her home. She can live there for a few weeks without me. The saddest part is that she is just beginning to get cuddly.

I noticed a huge thing yesterday. Every Sunday my family visits my grandparents. We go to my mom’s parents for lunch and my dad’s for supper. (Grandpa Paul, dad’s dad, passed away in September but that didn’t stop us from Sunday supper.) My mom’s mom, Nana, recently discovered she broke her tailbone. She is a larger woman, but she’s got strength to her, in terms of willpower. She started her own daycare business and has successfully run it for 40+ years. She is biggest whiner I’ve ever seen. I understand not wanting to be in pain but she refuses to get up out of her chair except to go to the bathroom. She’s one of those people where if she doesn’t get up and get moving now, she might not ever do it again. She is so stubborn. Mom says she needs exercise and knee replacement surgery but she won’t do either and now she’s stuck in her chair. We ate lunch at her house yesterday and instead of eating in the kitchen like we always do, she had us eat in the living room with her. I understand not wanting to eat without everyone else but we would have helped her into the kitchen and helped her with anything she needed as long as she tried. She tried a little and then gave up. I don’t love her any less. That’s not what any of this is about. She’s my Nana and I will always love her but I think she needs to suck it up and do things for herself that will help keep her healthy and fit and prevent things like this from happening again.

Here’s where the difference is: Grandma Duck (dad’s mom) is on oxygen, has had Leukemia for 40+ years and is still determined to get up, get moving and maintain her own living space. She cleans a little before the cleaning lady comes! I thought that was so cute. Anyway, I’m sure she’s in pain. She has to have immune system replacement therapy every few weeks which can’t be a ball of fun yet she doesn’t complain at all. She’s working on fixing my quilt, which was so worn that the edges started falling off. She’s lost her husband, the love of her life, yet she keeps on going and is still cheerful, that I notice, and plays cards with us and lets us help her with some stuff but still does a lot on her own. I love her too.

I love both of them. They are my grandma’s after all but if I had to say which person was stronger I would definitely have to say Grandma Duck. I feel bad about Nana. She needs to get up and go and do stuff for herself. She is also a huge worrier. I wonder if the problem is because she’s frustrated with getting old. She doesn’t want to have to admit she can’t do things like she used to be able to do. I also wonder if she is upset about Mom taking over the directorship of the daycare. Its like Nana’s baby. Nana started the business so it’s probably really hard for her to let go of it. I think she needs a new project. Grandma Duck has her quilting but Nana doesn’t have anything now that the daycare is run by Mom. Nana is not the domestic type, though. She’s the get up and go kind. Except she doesn’t have much to get up and go for.

Break is officially over and we’ve (my roommates and I) have started a countdown of school days. I have a ton of work to do because I was so lazy over break. I hope I can get it all done. What am I saying? Of course I’ll get it all done. Its just a matter of how good it will be.

PC and hope

I’m on spring break so forgive me if I’m not writing as regularly. I seem to be sleeping a lot more than I usually do. Sunday night I slept for 10 hours and last night I slept for nine hours. Hopefully I’m all caught up now. I didn’t intend to forget about working out but I just can’t seem to get up and go in the morning when I’m at my house. I think part of it is because there’s so many people here and I’ve gotten less used to the people in the morning. I’m used to mornings being quiet time, for me to slowly wake-up. Instead, if I go downstairs before eight, I’m bound to be facing people. I’ll try tomorrow to get up and work out. Maybe this time I’ll actually do it.

Matt update and conclusion: Over the weekend I got a text from Lori. Matt is feeling a friend vibe when it comes to me. So, no romantic interest, which I’m okay with. I was kind of insulted that he didn’t ask more questions of me at Piano Lounge. But apparently he’s been texting Lori daily and asking her all sorts of questions which is a little awkward considering she’s getting married in July.

He’s been asking her about the pictures of people on her facebook and he keeps asking about people we don’t hang out with and have less positive feelings about. I thought it was kind of hilarious and made me feel much more confident about what occurred between us (or lack thereof.) He told her he’s looking for someone to make him laugh and is into sports. Lori told him that’s cliché. I agree. I’ve been thinking a lot about what traits I want Prince Charming (PC) to have. And honestly, I don’t care about what he likes and dislikes. I care much more about personality traits and likes/dislikes don’t really apply there. I want PC to be responsible, optimistic, romantic, and confident. I’m not going to insist on specific physical characteristics because I don’t think they matter. Race, hair color, eye color, height – any of these are less important and don’t determine personality. So I think its kind of funny when people specify certain physical characteristics or likes and dislikes for their potential PC. Personality is going to be much more impacting than physical characteristics when it comes to long term relationships. Likes and dislikes can change or expand. Physical beauty only last so long. Personality is going to last much longer.

I’ve been waking up every morning thinking today’s the day I could meet my PC. I know it seems kind of excessive but if I don’t think positively every morning I might give up hope and that would be a horrible thing. A life without hope…*shudder*.

Books: I finished two books over the weekend. Voice of the Gods by Trudi Canavan was the third in a series which was really intriguing though I was much more intrigued by the second book than by the first or the third. I really wanted the Wilds to turn themselves into Gods or rulers of the world or something but they didn't. They just killed the gods and kept going with their lives which I suppose is probably what they would do since thats all they've done for thousands of years anyway. Overall the series was pretty good and I'll probably read it again someday. The second book was No Quarter by Tanya Huff which is the third in a series of four about magic that is managed by bards and made up of kigh, which are invisible creatures (unless you're a bard) who enable magic. This book was a follow-up to the second book which was also really interesting but highly complex to explain. If you want more info, google it.

The Piano Lounge

I was planning to write mostly about how beautiful it was yesterday. It got to over seventy degrees! I loved it. I don’t normally try very hard with my appearance on Thursdays because its lab day and I don’t want to wear anything that is possibly going to be destroyed but I decided to try and I’m glad I did. I met Caitlin for coffee at 4 and we chatted for an hour while sitting in the sunshine. It was really pleasant to not have to do anything but talk and listen. I needed the little break because I’d been feeling really overwhelmed still from previous events of the week.

At 6pm I get a phone call from Lori. My immediate thought was that she had some Matt information to impart but we just chatted for awhile. Then she says, right towards the end of the conversation, that Matt is going to the Piano Lounge (a bar) to celebrate his last day of teaching at Nixon and if I wanted to, I could go.

Hello! Of course I want to go. Never mind that I have bible study at 8, because he won’t be there til 9:30. True, it’s almost my bedtime by the time we’d get started but I can stay up a few extra hours. Spring break is next week. I can sleep then. Besides, if I don’t make the effort than its my fault if something doesn’t happen that might have if I’d gone. As it was, I still left before everyone else.

Okay, so I shared with my bible study group and they were really supportive and excited for me. They made me feel less nervous about going by myself. If I’d still been dating Alex (never mind that I wouldn’t be meeting a guy if I was) he’d freak out about me being in downtown Cedar Rapids at night without someone to take care of me. I did just fine by myself and will continue to do just fine by myself.

So I get there and I’m driving around trying to find a parking place when Lori texts me saying Matt is going to be late and doesn’t want me to think he stood me up. Those were her exact words and I’m sure they were his words too. So, if you don’t want someone to think you stood them up, it’s a date, right? Right. So, I got the impression from her that he was looking at it as a date. I knew there were going to be other people there, because it was a party. It was Matt, Tom from Coe, and another guy and girl. So, a small party, but it was fun. I was nervous that it would be awkward because I didn’t really know anybody that well but it wasn’t that bad. There were a few moments of silence but they weren’t terribly disconcerting.

The Piano Lounge is really classy, with great lighting and live music and has an extensive martini list so we all had fun picking out different martinis to try. I had a Quad Four, which had kahlua, irish crème, and some other stuff that made it taste like alcoholic chocolate ice cream. Then I had a Sexual Trance which had most of the same ingredients as a Sexy Alligator, a shot I discovered in St. Louis. Matt thought it tasted like a tootsie roll but I thought it was too fruity to taste like chocolate. It was really funny, the waitress brought Matt’s and my drinks and mixed them up every time. Matt got a Cool Caribbean the first time and then a Caramel Apple. It amused me that she thought his drinks were mine. We didn’t spend the whole time talking to each other but I think for a group date get-together thing it went really well. We did spend some time talking about stuff like music and movies and books, the usual first date stuff. He didn’t ask me a lot of questions though, which caught my attention after a while because I felt like I’d been doing all of the conversation starting. I don’t think I was talking too much because there were many points where I was just listening to the conversation between all of them about teaching and job fairs and stuff.

We still didn’t exchange phone numbers when I left (before everyone else), so I guess Lori will still have to be the intermediary. I’m trying to decide if I should be the one to approach him again of if I should wait; its his turn because while he invited me to the party, I’m the one who asked him for his number. Maybe I’ll talk to Lori about it since she knows more about him than I do right now, having worked with him for half a semester. I did invite him to come to my apartment for dinner, since I’m cooking for my brother and his girlfriend tonight but he said he was busy. Who knows if it’s true? I’m going to assume it is. Why would he lie? If he is, then that’s the end. If there’s anything I can’t stand, its not being forthcoming about your feelings. If he’s not interested then he should tell me. I suppose most guys are fairly nice and don’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings so they don’t immediately say, “I’m sorry, but I’m not interested at the moment” or something like that. Which might be painful to hear at first, but at least it’s honest. Honesty is absolutely the best policy when it comes to relationships. Absolutely, hands down, don’t ever lie to me or you’re in big trouble. I’d much rather know the truth and deal with it than piddle around trying to pull petals off a flower.

I left early, and by early I mean before everyone else. It was almost 12:30 when I left. I’d meant to leave at 11 but I must have been having a good time because I had to force myself to leave. I’m assuming they stayed until closing time. The guy who was playing the guitar was pretty decent and so we sang along to one of his songs. We saw him putting on a harmonica and I said I’d laugh really hard if he played Piano Man on the guitar. Then he broke into Piano Man. I really did laugh pretty heartily. It was too ironic. Piano Man being played on the guitar in a bar called Piano Lounge? I loved it!

Mom was kind of annoying. I made the mistake of telling her that I was going to go out and planning on coming home around eleven. She said she’d text me at 11 so I’d know when to leave. She then texted me when I got there, asking questions, texted me at 11 and threatened to come to Cedar Rapids if I didn’t return her text by 11:20. It was pretty loud in there, as it usually is in a bar that plays live music and I didn’t get her text message until it was almost 11:20. I texted her in time but she wanted me to text her when I got back to my apartment. I swear she is so paranoid and the worst part is, it made me look like I wasn’t paying attention to what was going on. I told the truth, that it was my mom and I don’t think they cared but still, it was embarrassing. Now I’ll have to tell her exactly what happened and etc when I talk to her next. I’m not telling her when I go out again until after I go out if she’s going to pester me like this. I don’t mind her knowing, I mind the pestering. Maybe I just won’t tell her times next time.

Art to Medicine

I was up til 12:45 last night. We were working on our chem poster project from 8:00 to 12:00 then I had some other homework to finish up. I woke up this morning and thought it was a dream. I really didn't think all the work I'd done was real. I almost cried. Then I realized it was real and felt better. Still tired, but better. My group and I actually got along fairly well. And, I have to say, I think our poster looks pretty good. We'll see how it actually goes tomorrow, though.

I'm looking forward to Friday evening so much. It will mean that I don't have to think about anything for at least five days. Its only five because I need to study over break for my chem test the Wednesday we come back. I should be doing okay though. I just need to work on some of the math problems. I get the theory just fine. 

I'm trying to remember yesterday but it was such a blur...thank God I made it through with no big mishaps.

I had a critique yesterday. I think it went well. I showed my mom's piece, some more Hillary pieces, and some self-portraits. There was definitely a good conversation going on. They seemed to really like my mom's portrait. Lucy predicted that they would spend the most time talking about it but I think the conversation was fairly evenly divided between the different people. I do think that Charlie is a pessimist. Okay, that might be a little harsh, but his photographic standards are so much higher than mine. I'll be honest, I'm doing this to get through the semester and get the degree. After this point I doubt I will pick up a camera and specifically create art. I will definitely take better pictures because I have experience with a camera but as for the art creation, it probably won't happen. Its not my passion. I don't care if my photographs are top quality standards because two months from now, they won't matter at all. I'll be focusing on the science and learning as much as I can to be as prepared for the MCATs as I can. 

I look back and wonder how I managed to be in art in the first place. I was in an astronomy class and I decided to drop it and switch to Drawing 1. How did I get to digital art from that? I'm having difficulty remembering. Oh, I remember taking the classes, but my thought process in pursuing art? No clue. Apparently I wrote Nana a letter my freshman year saying I wanted to be a doctor. What happened? How did I fall off the doctor bandwagon then? I hate to say it but I think it was who I was when I dated Alex. I didn't have time to dedicate to schooling - and chemistry is requiring a ton of time - and art is fairly simple to pursue and so it just happened. I don't regret it. I think having an art degree with be useful. Simply having the creative experience will look good on my resume, especially since I plan to do extremely well on the MCATs.

I have this secret plan that I will study what I learned this year (anatomy, chemistry 1&2) over the summer. A section a day, or something like that to keep the ideas fresh in my mind but the reality is that I probably won't. I might start out strong. I might do well for the first few weeks but we all know that it won't last through the whole summer. Its just too much effort, especially someone who has just graduated and now realizes that the next few years are going to be just as hectic and involved. Except this time, maybe I'll just be a regular student with no extra-curricular activities. Caleb is probably laughing now that he's read that sentence. I'm not capable of having nothing to do. I know I know, laugh all you want, Caleb. I am still planning on hanging out with you over break so we can watch the movie.

I will make it through today. I will make it through tomorrow. And then I will make it through the rest of my life. One day at a time, no matter how busy. The day always has to end. And though I bring my busy-ness and stress on myself, I would still choose to be busy than unaccomplished.

PS - Still no word from Lori about Matt, though I did have a text conversation with her yesterday. He hasn't replied to her so there's nothing she can do.

Crazy

I did a really brave thing yesterday. I texted Lori asking her for Matt’s number. Then I chickened out a few hours later – before she’d replied – and said never mind. She said she thought it would be cute and I should do it. So I told her to go ahead. Then my stomach started doing flip-flops til I got distracted by other things. Its doing one right now as I'm thinking about what I've started. I assume she texted him, but he never texted her back, as far as I know. (As of 5:30 last night.) For all I know he could have texted her back saying no and she just didn’t text me back because she was afraid of hurting my feelings. At this point, I’ve decided that I’d rather know than not know. Besides, I’m not afraid of rejection. If I get rejected, big deal. I’ll just go find another guy. Clearly I don’t have rejection issues.

I made it through the day yesterday! I had so much going on. I didn’t end up going to my sorority recruitment because I had to print the pieces for my critique today which I’d forgotten about til yesterday. Today is not looking any better than yesterday. In fact I think its worse: I have to put my art up before class actually starts, get a tri-fold poster for my chem presentations, go to an Art Club meeting, go to a Signature Home Collections party, and do my pre-lab homework. I’m going a little bit crazy right now. One step at a time, I keep telling myself, one step at a time. And none of it is stuff I can do right now. I’ve got 11-12 free, 1-2 free and 6-8 free (if I don’t go to the art club meeting or the home collections party). I have no idea how long it will take to put up my art because the one piece is actually lots of little pieces and is going to take some time to get in the right positions. It could take an hour or it could take fifteen minutes. I’m hoping for the fifteen minute one.

I did manage to get my homework done early yesterday, though why I didn’t start doing other stuff I can’t tell you. I wasn’t up past ten doing my homework, though. I know, I go to bed at 10:15 (after the news gets to the weather). It’s a little ridiculous for a college student but in all fairness I get up at 6:50 every morning to work out. I think that justifies the 10:15 bed time. By 10:15 I mean that’s when I start getting ready for bed. By the time I’ve done all that I need to do, it’s usually almost eleven. I could probably look up the weather on the computer and save time by not watching the boring parts of the news but its more fun to hear someone tell me about the weather than to read it on a computer screen. Plus, tv is kind of relaxing. I can just veg for a few minutes while I wait for the weather. Caleb calls this evening process “my ritual” and I suppose it’s a fair name. I do the same things in the same order every night, which is why I always forget to turn the fan on until I’m in bed and have read a few sentences. It isn’t until then that I notice the lack of noise.

I didn’t dream last night, thank God. I probably would be even more crazy than I already am if I’d had another Alex dream.

Emotions

I missed a phone call from my mom yesterday morning around 7:30 – probably because I was in the shower – and didn’t see it until 9:30. She had left a message saying, “Dad’s alright. We’re at the hospital.” That was it! The whole message. True, she prefaced it with “Dad’s alright” but followed with a crazy thing. I tried to get a hold of her. I called her cell phone twice then called Nana’s to see if she was at work with her cell phone off. Mary, mom’s friend and co-worker, said she was still at the hospital with Dad! So I texted her and didn’t hear back from her till 11! I was in a tiny bit of a state. It was good she said he’s okay but I’m still worried. Apparently he passed out twice yesterday morning and they don’t know why. He has a doctor’s appointment today. Oh, they also found a heart murmur. I didn’t tell Mom that I have one too. She’d probably freak out and then she’d want to know how I know I have one and then I’d have to tell her about my gynecologist and then she’d freak out even more. So, the less she knows the better.

My chem group and I got together last night to finish our poster presentation slides. I swear they have the attention span of preschoolers. They can’t focus on anything for more than five minutes without branching out into side conversations or information not relevant to the project at hand. We could probably have had the project done in less than two hours if they had done what they were supposed to do before hand – instead they showed up with a rough idea of what needed to go on their slides and we spent the time putting them together. The plus side of this is that I got to help with the phrasing so we got to use bigger words. The down side is, I felt like I did more work. I could have done the research they did. Any way, we get new groups after spring break next week so I’m looking forward to that time immensely.

I’m so happy that I made it through yesterday. I had so much stuff to do that needed to be done before a certain time. Fortunately, I got it all done. I got the WCWC printed and posted, I got more portraits and Hillary pictures done, I wrote my slides for my part of the poster presentation, I got started on my chem. homework for Wednesday and I even had time to read more pages in my book. Amanda thinks I’m going to finish the book before the week is over. Its possible. It depends on how much free time I have between now and the end of the week. I’d like to finish the book because I want to know what happens, but school comes first (most of the time!)

I’m still having dreams about Alex. We’re not together in them. Nothing like that. He just happens to be in the same dream. Twice that I can remember, he’s been in my dreams. The first one was when I was at a party with all of our old friends. I was talking to Caleb and Tim. Alex was there with Anece but no one was talking to her. Then the dream switches and Caleb and I are driving to the church parking lot. He gets out when we see Tim and I walk over to this car with a mom and two daughters in it – one age ~4 and one age ~10. The 4-year-old is pouting because she wants a pink dress like her older sister. The mom is yelling at her. I comfort and convince the 4-year-old that green is a good color too. Then the mom gets angry again that the 4-year-old likes me better. All this time Alex is sitting in the car behind the wheel while the conversation occurs in the back seat. Then the little girl shuts her leg in the door and starts crying but the mom doesn’t comfort her, I do. I leave and go back over by Caleb and Tim and we all pile into one car to go back to Alex’s party.

The second dream was that Alex had stuff of mine that he needed to give me and I had stuff of his that he needed to give me. We were going to meet at the Collins Road Plaza by my dad’s shop. He shows up in his red Celica and I get in the backseat – Caleb is in the front seat – there is an exchanging of stuff and then we just drive around like we used to do.

I wish these dreams would go away. They bother me. I don’t want to even dream about him. I want it to stop. I want him out of my life. Maybe my mind is finally dealing with breaking up with him. I was cool as a cucumber at the time that I broke up with him. I only cried once, when a song of ours came on the radio and I started thinking about the good times. Otherwise I haven’t emotionally dealt with it. Part of it is just who I am. I’m a naturally laid-back person, unlike my mother. I don’t get worked up over stuff. But you’d think that I’d be emotionally unsteady after breaking up with someone I’d been dating for three years. We’d even talked about marriage. How did I not get emotional about it? I sometimes think there is something wrong with me. I’ve never responded emotionally the way other people do.

I remember one time, my sophomore year of high school when I was riding back from a college class with Bob Scharf, a friend of mine. We were talking about emotions and feelings and I told him about not feeling normal because I don’t feel anything. You always hear about people who don’t feel normal because they think they are feeling things that no one else is feeling. What about people who don’t feel anything? Is that not normal? I do feel some things. I know what anger feels like. I know what depression feels like. And I know what joy feels like. I most often feel joyous when it’s a beautiful day outside, the sun is shining, and even if there are things I have to do or am worried about, I can’t stop myself from whistling, singing, or humming. It doesn’t have to be a warm day. Even a cold day, with light can make me feel joyous. But feelings specifically for a person? I’d have to say I couldn’t define when I’m feeling them or not feeling them. Even with Alex, there were times when I thought I was feeling love but it wasn’t an all the time feeling. Maybe when I meet my true love I will be feeling the “all-the-time feeling” of love. I’m worried that I might not ever feel it though.

I don’t get worked up over a lot of things. It takes a lot to make me angry. For example, my group has been awful this whole semester but its taken 5 weeks of them to finally make me angry about it. But not angry enough to do anything about it. Just angry enough for me to resent them. And depression usually comes about if I’m bored for too long. So, I try not to be bored. Caleb hates it but I’m always busy. I always have something going on. We’ve been trying to hang out and watch this movie he wants to see but I just haven’t had more than an hour free at a time when he’s had an hour free. We’ll have to do it over spring break. I don’t deal well with boredom and I’ll need something to keep me occupied over break.

I think I’ve said enough for one day.

Matt x 2

This was a really interesting weekend. We had a party for Lori Friday night to celebrate it being her last day having to student teach kindergarten. She starts 5th grade in a week – the grade she’s wanted to teach all along. Lori, Amanda, and I went to Godfather’s Pizza for supper. We had to wait 45 minutes for our pizza while people who ordered after us got their pizza before us. I didn’t really care that much though. Ever since I’ve worked at Vanity, I’ve been much more relaxed about people in the service industries. Especially since I suspect that I will be getting a waitressing job for over the summer and through the next school year.

We came back to the apartment and hung out, waiting for people to show up. We told them to come around 7-7:30. Caitlin showed up with Amber Caylor and we had fun talking. Then Lori’s fellow student teachers, Tom and Matt, showed up. Tom is from Coe and I know him because he used to work in the writing center. Freshman year we were actually a little bit close. I hung out in his room a lot the first semester. I don’t really remember how it came about that we stopped being friends and hanging out. I suspect it has something to do with Alex being jealous and me caving to his wishes. Not that I regret it. Tom has turned a little pompous as the years have gone by. Still, he’s a nice guy all around.

Matt. Matt was awesome. Okay, maybe I should be more specific. Lori said he was cute and he was Catholic and he might be late because he was working at a fish fry that evening. He ended up making it on time though. I must admit to having developed a small crush on him. I haven’t met a decent guy in quite some time, at least not one that I was interested in pursuing a relationship with. Matt has potential. We were playing a dice game and he had to get down on his knees, take a swig, then sing a song. He broke out in “You’ve Lost that Lovin’ Feeling”, Top Gun style. It was adorable. Turns out, he was in the Navy. And now he’s student teaching kindergarten. How adorable is that? I don’t think it can get much better than that. Tough and tender all in one package. (P.S.- He likes Gone with the Wind!)

Mom called me Saturday morning and I hadn’t been thinking about last night but she bombarded me with questions as if she knew something had happened. I swear she has a 6th sense. She knows things without ever being told by anyone. In fact, she told me later than afternoon that she had suspected I’d met someone. I was thinking about him while cleaning Dad’s shop. I told Dad and my brother Adam about him while I was there and I was going to call Mom, too, but I had accidentally mopped myself away from my cell phone and by the time I got back to it, I’d forgotten again. So when she talked to me in the afternoon, Dad and Adam had already told her and she was angry that I was “hiding things from her” when I really wasn’t. So I got angry then we worked it out. My mom is kind of crazy sometimes.

Matt was going to come over and watch The Unsinkable Molly Brown with my roommates and me on Saturday night but he had a migraine. Now, since Lori is my connection and she’s going to visit her parents in Kentucky, I won’t be able to see him to see if my feelings are real or imagined out of loneliness for another two weeks at least. (She's gone a whole week then next week is spring break!) I’m trying to decide if I have enough guts to get his number from Lori and call him myself, maybe ask him out on a date. But I told Caleb I was going to make the guy come to me. But thinking about the movie He’s Just Not That Into You, if I don’t take the initiative, maybe I’ll be missing out. The worst thing he can do is turn me down. I’m pretty sure I’ve heard enough from guys that they like having the pressure of asking a girl out taken off their hands. I can handle rejection. I was practically stood up last semester when Matt – talk about irony – said yes in the beginning of the week then called me the day of to cancel because he’s already in another relationship. Talk about harsh. Especially since I see him every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday in choir.

Do I have the guts to call him out of the blue and ask him? Did I really feel that much of a connection or am I just desperate? I feel like I should see him again in a social setting before making the gutsy move I know I’m quite capable of. I’m just not sure I did feel anything. Maybe I should pump Mom for more information about her feeling. Was it a good feeling? Or a bad feeling? Should I go after him? Should I have patience?

ASA formal is at the end of the month and I RSVP’d that I would have a date. If it comes right down to it and I still don't have a date I’ll take my brother or Caleb. But I think I’d like to take Matt. I put a little pressure on myself by saying I’d bring a date. I almost wish I hadn’t. Too late, though. Amanda says she’s going to take Ashley, which will be fun. We’ve kind of adopted her into our own private sector of ASA. And Lori’s fiancée Josh will be here too. I’ll be the odd woman out if I don’t have a date. I want a date. I want a relationship. I want my gut to stop wrenching every time I see a romantic kiss in a movie.