I had a dream the other night and it bothered me at first until I figured out what it meant. I dreamt that I was working in a jewelry shop in the mall because the people who normally work it were out of town or something. It felt a lot like a private business, not at all like the experience I had at Vanity, though requiring the same skills. The main counter was made up of a bunch of movable parts that had to be taken down each evening and put back together in the morning. They were all very similarly shaped but had to go in the exact same spot everyday so I made sure to take them apart in a specific way so I could easily put it back together again. One morning I come in and the store is really busy – so busy that I don’t have time to put the counter together right away. Alex is standing next to me as I’m talking to a customer and he’s doing something, only I can’t see what. The customer goes away and I turn around to see the counter pieces all scattered and rearranged and not in the order I put them in, some have even been moved into the back closet so it makes it almost impossible for me to get them back together. I turn to Alex and yell at him, “What did you do that for?!”. He says back to me, “I was just trying to help. Jeez, get a grip. It’s not that big of a deal.” I’m so mad at him that I don’t reply, only start trying to put them back together. He knows I’m not going to talk to him anymore but he still stands there looking at me.
So, writing this out, it makes it even more obvious what the dream was about. I figured it out while I was telling it to Caleb. Being with Alex, the “countertop” of my life was taken apart and rearranged into an order that doesn’t make sense and wasn’t really who I am. Now that I’m not with him, I’m putting my life back together, piece by piece. It’s even more blatant when it’s written, if you’re looking for the symbolism. Even thought it’s been nine months since I broke up with him, I’m still working towards making myself comfortable with it. Sometimes I miss having someone there for me so much that I can’t watch the kissing scenes in romance movies without feeling this wrenching in my gut. I sometimes think it will only go away when I find someone new to love.
Interpreting dreams fascinates me. I wonder if believing in the power of dreams is against the Catholic faith. I don’t think it is. Joseph of the Old Testament interpreted dreams for Pharaoh, which warned him about the seven years of feast followed by seven years of famine. Joseph, husband of the Virgin Mary, had a dream in which the angel of the Lord told him to marry Mary anyway. There’s no way that dreams can be against the Catholic faith. So, I choose to believe that my dreams have meaning. That doesn’t mean all dreams have meaning because obviously some dreams are just the result of too much Chinese food or something like that. The crazy dreams that don’t make any sense at all can’t have significant meaning beyond their craziness. If there is meaning in them, its too subtle for me to decipher.
I also choose to believe that some dreams, like the Alex and the Countertop dream are divine inspired. I’ve been struggling lately with thoughts of Alex. Not thoughts of him in that I would consider getting back together with him. I know God has something better in mind, but he still randomly pops into my head and it bothers me that he does. Now, because of this dream, I know that one of two possible things will happen: 1) Thoughts of Alex will still pop into my head but stop bothering me when they do, or 2) thoughts of Alex will no longer pop into my head. I just have to keep going, day by day.
Besides, he has a new girlfriend, Anece. I saw here at Caleb’s birthday party. She’s Asian, short, with the most unfortunate bowl-cut inspired hairstyle, and acne scars. I think I talked a little about her in the first entry. And seeing them together, though I didn’t feel good about it at the time, only makes me feel so much better about not being with him anymore. What was I thinking? True, he’s very charismatic and personable but he’s so selfish! He didn’t even think to introduce her to any of us sitting at Caleb’s table. She just went and sat at a table across the room. The more I looked at Alex, the more I wondered what I saw in him. I’m only now beginning to realize how much I was “settling”. I deserve so much more than what he has to offer. I want someone to be my equal in everyway. I want someone who will support me as much as I support him. I want someone who will love me above themselves and someone who will love God with me.
Books: I finished reading Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers. It was so good. I really enjoyed it. It's a Christian romance novel but its not too preachy. In fact, because it wasn't so preachy, it inspired me to pray more. I read the first part of Left Behind and only made it halfway through because it got way to preachy at me. I felt like it was telling me: "Mend your ways you horrible horrible person or you will go STRAIGHT TO HELL!!!" I don't want to read about that. I don't want to read a book that makes me feel bad about myself. And Redeeming Love does not make you feel bad. It's inspirational. It makes me feel hopeful about "mending my ways." In all honesty, I don't think I'm a horrible person. But I do think I could pray more deliberately. I tend to just pray when the thought occurs to me, such as, "Thanks God for helping me get through that lecture without falling asleep" or "please God, help me not murder my chem group." I should try to pray more regularly, at a set time and with a set purpose. Maybe instead of reading a fun book before I go to sleep I'll open to a random section of the Bible. Also, since it's Lent, my church has these "little black books" with daily meditations. I could try those, too.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Mom's Birthday and Coffee
Yesterday was my mom’s birthday. I went home to spend the evening with her and the family as my birthday present to her. I can’t buy her anything for her birthday so I hoped just being home would be enough. She was kind of depressed yesterday. I think she has mood issues. Sometimes she’s fine and bubbly and all energy. At other times she depressed and mopey and doesn’t want to do anything except feel sorry for herself. Is she manic-depressive? Maybe. She won’t go to a doctor to get anything diagnosed, though. She’d rather work through it herself, either because she’s stubborn and wants to do it herself or she’s stubborn and wants to feel sorry for herself. Either way, it gets a little frustrating being at home with her like that. Don’t get me wrong, I love my mother deeply and only want her to be happy but I feel like she does a little bit of this to herself.
Maybe my feelings about this are my impressions being put onto her. I think she should be more positive and less down on herself because I would never do something like that to myself. I try to avoid wallowing in self-pity and frustration because it doesn’t do any good – a lesson I learned from her. Its fine to wallow for a little bit but then get up and do something. Don’t just sit there stewing about your problems because that won’t fix them. Stew for a few minutes then figure out ways to make it better. In my mom’s case, that might mean not doing as much. She’s definitely one of those women who try to do too much and then get burned out. That’s a lot of what causes her depressive modes. She “fails” to do something then feels horribly guilty about it and she needs to stop feeling that way. No one can do everything. Trust me, I know, because I try to do everything as well, and it just doesn’t work out all of the time.
I have more frustrations with my Chemistry group. We’re working on a poster presentation of the work we did in lab. Only they are all in the Tuesday afternoon lab together and I’m in the Thursday morning lab. I can’t go to their lab because I have class at that time and they won’t come to my lab because it is “too early in the morning.” So, they worked on the presentation this past Tuesday afternoon then assigned me to work on writing up the data that they collected and interpreted. They handed me the graphs yesterday afternoon and I’m looking at them now. I’ve no idea what they finally decided was in their compounds and how to interpret their data because I’m not the one who worked on it. Why would they assign the only person in the group to not work on the data they collected to interpret the data they collected? Does that makes sense to anyone else? It doesn’t make any sense to me. I’m sitting here looking at these graphs and charts and I could probably make sense of them if I had to sit down and think hard about (which I probably should do) but why should I re-think all of this information if they’ve all done it already? Then, I’m going to interpret the data one way and they are going to interpret the data another and when I’ve got the slides prepared they are going to look at it and say, “That’s wrong.” I can’t win. I can’t wait to get a new group.
Ash Wednesday mass last night was so crowded! I’ve never seen it that crowded. I played the piano and Mom sang. They had to set up extra chairs in the lobby so there would be places for everyone to sit. I couldn’t believe it. I have a theory, though. I think that because the economy is going to crap and everyone is tight on money and struggling, they felt the need to go to church and pray for “deliverance” from the way the economy is going. Whether this is true or not, or whether people directly thought about it or not I can’t say but it makes sense to me. When people are hitting hard times, they tend to go to church more than when they are doing well for themselves. In other words, they only need God when things go bad and tend to ignore Him when things go well, instead of thanking Him during the good times for all of the good things He has given them. Maybe its just me, but that seems a little hypocritical. You wouldn’t ignore someone who does nice things for you, like open the door for you, or help you carry groceries to your car. You say thank-you. So why wouldn’t you say thank-you to God for helping you out even in the good times?
I think I should give up drinking coffee. I’ve become a little addicted to having a cup in the morning and I know it isn’t good for me. It sucks all of the water out of me and leaves me feeling dehydrated and yet I can’t seem to stop. If I was a true addict, I keep telling myself, I would be drinking it down throughout the day. And yet, I can’t seem to resist having a cup in the morning. I managed yesterday because coffee was on my off-limits list for fasting but I couldn’t resist one this morning as I sit in the writing center pretending to work on my chemistry group poster presentation. I shouldn’t have had it but now I’m looking at the empty cup, contemplating a second cup. Its horrible for me. I should resist the temptation but the cup is so empty looking. Its just begging to be filled with warm brown liquid. No! I will go get a glass of water. That will hold me back and make me feel healthy again. But the coffee does smell so good. I almost bought a coffee-scented wax bar from the Scentsy party the other night but figured if I smelled it, I’d want to drink it. I must resist. I can justify one cup a day. No more than that.
Maybe my feelings about this are my impressions being put onto her. I think she should be more positive and less down on herself because I would never do something like that to myself. I try to avoid wallowing in self-pity and frustration because it doesn’t do any good – a lesson I learned from her. Its fine to wallow for a little bit but then get up and do something. Don’t just sit there stewing about your problems because that won’t fix them. Stew for a few minutes then figure out ways to make it better. In my mom’s case, that might mean not doing as much. She’s definitely one of those women who try to do too much and then get burned out. That’s a lot of what causes her depressive modes. She “fails” to do something then feels horribly guilty about it and she needs to stop feeling that way. No one can do everything. Trust me, I know, because I try to do everything as well, and it just doesn’t work out all of the time.
I have more frustrations with my Chemistry group. We’re working on a poster presentation of the work we did in lab. Only they are all in the Tuesday afternoon lab together and I’m in the Thursday morning lab. I can’t go to their lab because I have class at that time and they won’t come to my lab because it is “too early in the morning.” So, they worked on the presentation this past Tuesday afternoon then assigned me to work on writing up the data that they collected and interpreted. They handed me the graphs yesterday afternoon and I’m looking at them now. I’ve no idea what they finally decided was in their compounds and how to interpret their data because I’m not the one who worked on it. Why would they assign the only person in the group to not work on the data they collected to interpret the data they collected? Does that makes sense to anyone else? It doesn’t make any sense to me. I’m sitting here looking at these graphs and charts and I could probably make sense of them if I had to sit down and think hard about (which I probably should do) but why should I re-think all of this information if they’ve all done it already? Then, I’m going to interpret the data one way and they are going to interpret the data another and when I’ve got the slides prepared they are going to look at it and say, “That’s wrong.” I can’t win. I can’t wait to get a new group.
Ash Wednesday mass last night was so crowded! I’ve never seen it that crowded. I played the piano and Mom sang. They had to set up extra chairs in the lobby so there would be places for everyone to sit. I couldn’t believe it. I have a theory, though. I think that because the economy is going to crap and everyone is tight on money and struggling, they felt the need to go to church and pray for “deliverance” from the way the economy is going. Whether this is true or not, or whether people directly thought about it or not I can’t say but it makes sense to me. When people are hitting hard times, they tend to go to church more than when they are doing well for themselves. In other words, they only need God when things go bad and tend to ignore Him when things go well, instead of thanking Him during the good times for all of the good things He has given them. Maybe its just me, but that seems a little hypocritical. You wouldn’t ignore someone who does nice things for you, like open the door for you, or help you carry groceries to your car. You say thank-you. So why wouldn’t you say thank-you to God for helping you out even in the good times?
I think I should give up drinking coffee. I’ve become a little addicted to having a cup in the morning and I know it isn’t good for me. It sucks all of the water out of me and leaves me feeling dehydrated and yet I can’t seem to stop. If I was a true addict, I keep telling myself, I would be drinking it down throughout the day. And yet, I can’t seem to resist having a cup in the morning. I managed yesterday because coffee was on my off-limits list for fasting but I couldn’t resist one this morning as I sit in the writing center pretending to work on my chemistry group poster presentation. I shouldn’t have had it but now I’m looking at the empty cup, contemplating a second cup. Its horrible for me. I should resist the temptation but the cup is so empty looking. Its just begging to be filled with warm brown liquid. No! I will go get a glass of water. That will hold me back and make me feel healthy again. But the coffee does smell so good. I almost bought a coffee-scented wax bar from the Scentsy party the other night but figured if I smelled it, I’d want to drink it. I must resist. I can justify one cup a day. No more than that.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Scentsy, Lent, and Summer Classes
Yesterday was Mardi Gras, which makes today Ash Wednesday. I didn’t really celebrate it all that much, though I did get ice cream at Coldstone with Amanda and Lori. We went to a Scentsy candle party hosted by my bible study leader and friend, Trish. Another woman from our bible study, Abby, is the, I don’t know what you call it. She is the seller? The person who is in charge of the products? Anyway, it’s a product line that is actually really cool. Its not a fire hazard, for starters, because it never reaches a temperature too hot to touch. There is a whole series of different warmers and a huge variety of scents to melt. Lori and Amanda were so interested in it that they decided to host a party in our apartment. I’m all for it. I think it’s a really cool product because we can have it in dorms since its just a light bulb. There is no open flame and no excess heat. It’s brilliant. I got the cutest warmer and three scents. The warmer has music staff calligraphy all over it in black and tan on a cream background. I can’t wait to get it and start using it. Abby made the point of letting us know its kid and pet safe. Betty has a tendency to be too curious for her own good. Now I don’t have to worry about her bothering it on the counter and getting burned. She has no sense of her own safety because she’ll start walking across the stove even when its on. We have to keep a close eye on her when we’re cooking so she won’t get burned.
I’ve decided that I’m giving up spending for Lent. I can use money for gas and groceries but nothing else. That includes going out to eat, the movies, renting movies, buying books, and buying clothes. There are two exceptions. The first is a Simplicity home decorations party I’ve been invited to that I will have to buy something at and the second is a dress for my sorority formal. I will set a limit of $20 on the dress though. If I can’t find something for that amount or less than I will wear something I already have in my closet. No accessories. I have so many shoes and accessories that I can’t justify the purchase of any more. I’ll have to make do with what I already have – which shouldn’t be too difficult seeing as I have a shoe box overflowing with accessories and more that aren’t even in the box because I’m afraid they will get lost.
The not buying books is going to be the hardest. I am collecting multiple series of books right now and to have to put off buying them for awhile (til after April 12th) is going to be difficult. I have plenty of books to read but I might deliberately read them slowly so that I won’t feel as much of the pain of not yet having them to read. True, I could probably spend the time doing homework and studying chemistry but that’s a lot less fun than reading. I’m doing okay in chemistry, as far as I’m concerned and any more effort on my part seems excessive for someone who is not a chemistry major. Yes, I know, I know, I’ll need the information for on the MCAT’s but that’s not for another year. I’ll have plenty of time between now and then to perfect the knowledge. No, I don’t intend to forget it. In fact, I have a plan for studying over the summer so I don’t forget the chemistry or even the anatomy that I’ve learned this year.
I’m a little worried because Lori wants us to be with her for two weeks this summer for her wedding. I don’t know if I can afford to not work for two weeks. Or if I can find a class schedule to fit around the dates of her wedding: the first two weeks in July. I can probably find a second session class to take that will work but a first session? Which means I might have to do some fancy shifting of when I’m taking classes in order to get all of the ones I need in the time that I need them. Kirkwood doesn’t have their summer class schedule posted yet so I won’t be able to find out until probably the end of March. Coe has their fall registration then, so Kirkwood should have their summer registration available by then. Especially since some of their summer classes start in May. Hopefully I can find something that will fit in my schedule and work out for the MCAT’s in the spring as well.
Books: I just finished reading Changer of Days which was the second in a series I started a long time ago, forgot about, then reread and enjoyed. It doesn't make it into my all time favorite books list but it was an enjoyable read. I wasn't amazingly thrilled with the ending. The love story should have ended with a bigger bang. The author spent two books building up this love story and then its all wrapped up in about 10 pages. I wanted much more. There could easily have been much more. I wanted an epilogue or something. Maybe, because I wanted more, that makes it a better book. Nah. I just wanted more in that I felt it wasn't complete. I was fine with it ending. It just could have ended better.
I’ve decided that I’m giving up spending for Lent. I can use money for gas and groceries but nothing else. That includes going out to eat, the movies, renting movies, buying books, and buying clothes. There are two exceptions. The first is a Simplicity home decorations party I’ve been invited to that I will have to buy something at and the second is a dress for my sorority formal. I will set a limit of $20 on the dress though. If I can’t find something for that amount or less than I will wear something I already have in my closet. No accessories. I have so many shoes and accessories that I can’t justify the purchase of any more. I’ll have to make do with what I already have – which shouldn’t be too difficult seeing as I have a shoe box overflowing with accessories and more that aren’t even in the box because I’m afraid they will get lost.
The not buying books is going to be the hardest. I am collecting multiple series of books right now and to have to put off buying them for awhile (til after April 12th) is going to be difficult. I have plenty of books to read but I might deliberately read them slowly so that I won’t feel as much of the pain of not yet having them to read. True, I could probably spend the time doing homework and studying chemistry but that’s a lot less fun than reading. I’m doing okay in chemistry, as far as I’m concerned and any more effort on my part seems excessive for someone who is not a chemistry major. Yes, I know, I know, I’ll need the information for on the MCAT’s but that’s not for another year. I’ll have plenty of time between now and then to perfect the knowledge. No, I don’t intend to forget it. In fact, I have a plan for studying over the summer so I don’t forget the chemistry or even the anatomy that I’ve learned this year.
I’m a little worried because Lori wants us to be with her for two weeks this summer for her wedding. I don’t know if I can afford to not work for two weeks. Or if I can find a class schedule to fit around the dates of her wedding: the first two weeks in July. I can probably find a second session class to take that will work but a first session? Which means I might have to do some fancy shifting of when I’m taking classes in order to get all of the ones I need in the time that I need them. Kirkwood doesn’t have their summer class schedule posted yet so I won’t be able to find out until probably the end of March. Coe has their fall registration then, so Kirkwood should have their summer registration available by then. Especially since some of their summer classes start in May. Hopefully I can find something that will fit in my schedule and work out for the MCAT’s in the spring as well.
Books: I just finished reading Changer of Days which was the second in a series I started a long time ago, forgot about, then reread and enjoyed. It doesn't make it into my all time favorite books list but it was an enjoyable read. I wasn't amazingly thrilled with the ending. The love story should have ended with a bigger bang. The author spent two books building up this love story and then its all wrapped up in about 10 pages. I wanted much more. There could easily have been much more. I wanted an epilogue or something. Maybe, because I wanted more, that makes it a better book. Nah. I just wanted more in that I felt it wasn't complete. I was fine with it ending. It just could have ended better.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Overachiever
Explain this to me: My chemistry group does not like me very much. No, they didn’t tell me directly but Amanda is in genetics with most of them and they were talking about me. They were saying things like “She’s such an overachiever” and apparently one kid is trying to compete with me. I didn’t even know he was trying to compete with me. I had no idea. I suppose its good that he’s trying to compete with me. It will help him learn more. But an overachiever? Really? Where do people get off thinking that just because I know the answers I’m an overachiever. How does that logic work? I know the answers so I must have worked really hard to study it? I’m so confused. It’s a phenomenon that has been going on throughout my life. I like to think. I like to have the answers. I like to read. I’m fortunate to be blessed with a good memory so when I read things, I remember them fairly quickly. Does this make me an overachiever? I don’t think so. I think an overachiever is someone who goes above and beyond the required work and spends most of their time trying to get ahead. I don’t go above and beyond the required work. I just do the required work. Does that make me an overachiever? NO. It makes me responsible. I just happen to remember what I learned on the homework, which is the whole purpose of the homework in the first place.
It frustrates me that people make these assumptions about other people. But then again, I do it as well. I assume that if you do the work, you will learn the material. Just because I’m like that, does not mean other people are like that. But because I only know my way of doing things, I assume everyone else’s way is like mine. That’s probably the case in why people call me an overachiever. They assume that because they would have to work really hard to know what I know, I must have worked really hard when its just not the case. Its fascinating to think how your perceptions affect how you see people. Often times I see people who don’t understand as people who didn’t do the work. Sometimes its true, but sometimes its not. I’d like to think that I am nice to the people who have tried and truly don’t understand. I’d like to think that I can answer their questions and help them learn but I’m sure I don’t always come across as approachable. Nobody likes a know-it-all and that’s sometimes the impression that I give.
In elementary school I had the same problem. At recess I would sit on a bench and read; I’ve been able to read since before I started kindergarten. I love reading. The other kids called me Miss Dictionary and Miss Encyclopedia. It bothered me a lot back then because all I really wanted was to make friends and be popular. It did happen (that’s another story). But I never lost the “Miss Dictionary” tag. Its because I read so much. It’s a scientific fact that reading improves your vocabulary and grammar. How can it not? You are deliberately exposing yourself to a wider range of words and increasingly complex sentence structures. According to my mom, I came home from middle school one day and ranted at her about the immaturity of the people in my class. There I was trying to learn and all they could do was make fart jokes. That’s not being an overachiever. Again, that’s being responsible. In high school, I had friends, life was good, and I still didn’t have to pay attention very much in class in order to get an A. Still had the smarty pants label. (Tidbit – One of my favorite pairs of underwear has a turtle with big black glasses, an apple, and a stack of books and says “Smarty Pants”). I was valedictorian of my class. I see how they could misconstrue my actions for being an overachiever.
Maybe my problem with being called an overachiever is because it is inaccurate. I don’t think they mean overachiever when they call me that. I think they are trying to express how irritated they are with me for knowing the answers. It has nothing to do with overachieving anything. It has everything to do with retaining knowledge.
Why do people have to pass judgment on other people? I suppose its in our nature to do so, or maybe its just how we were conditioned to be but its detrimental to world peace, to put it generically. If we’re too busy trying to make ourselves feel superior to those around us, we’re not going to have time to be nice to those people instead. There’s this girl in my chemistry lab. She really rubs me the wrong way. She really rubs almost everybody the wrong way. I feel bad for her. She seems like she has some social issues. I want to reach out to her but I’m limited by the way society would see me if I do. I don’t want to be ostracized like she is. At the same time, I want to do something nice for her. I passed her yesterday on the sidewalk and I smiled at her. I figured, it’s a start. What could it hurt? I don’t know how brave I’ll be when I’m in lab in front of the other people but maybe that smile made her feel a little better about herself or her day. According to Jesus, I should befriend her. She’s probably a lovely person. But I’m too much of a selfish person to do it yet. I’ll just have to content myself with praying for her.
How did she get to be the way she is? Does she know how people react to her? Is she aware of the impression she gives others? I have to think that she is unaware of how other people react to her. Otherwise she is aware and is doing nothing to counteract it. Why would you continue on your path if other people do not like you? I suppose it depends on the person and on who’s doing the liking. I don’t care intellectually that my group thinks I’m an overachiever. I care emotionally though because I want everyone to like me. So is there a reason this girl is not trying? Or is she trying and doesn’t know how to go about doing it?
If I had a superpower it would be the ability to read minds.
It frustrates me that people make these assumptions about other people. But then again, I do it as well. I assume that if you do the work, you will learn the material. Just because I’m like that, does not mean other people are like that. But because I only know my way of doing things, I assume everyone else’s way is like mine. That’s probably the case in why people call me an overachiever. They assume that because they would have to work really hard to know what I know, I must have worked really hard when its just not the case. Its fascinating to think how your perceptions affect how you see people. Often times I see people who don’t understand as people who didn’t do the work. Sometimes its true, but sometimes its not. I’d like to think that I am nice to the people who have tried and truly don’t understand. I’d like to think that I can answer their questions and help them learn but I’m sure I don’t always come across as approachable. Nobody likes a know-it-all and that’s sometimes the impression that I give.
In elementary school I had the same problem. At recess I would sit on a bench and read; I’ve been able to read since before I started kindergarten. I love reading. The other kids called me Miss Dictionary and Miss Encyclopedia. It bothered me a lot back then because all I really wanted was to make friends and be popular. It did happen (that’s another story). But I never lost the “Miss Dictionary” tag. Its because I read so much. It’s a scientific fact that reading improves your vocabulary and grammar. How can it not? You are deliberately exposing yourself to a wider range of words and increasingly complex sentence structures. According to my mom, I came home from middle school one day and ranted at her about the immaturity of the people in my class. There I was trying to learn and all they could do was make fart jokes. That’s not being an overachiever. Again, that’s being responsible. In high school, I had friends, life was good, and I still didn’t have to pay attention very much in class in order to get an A. Still had the smarty pants label. (Tidbit – One of my favorite pairs of underwear has a turtle with big black glasses, an apple, and a stack of books and says “Smarty Pants”). I was valedictorian of my class. I see how they could misconstrue my actions for being an overachiever.
Maybe my problem with being called an overachiever is because it is inaccurate. I don’t think they mean overachiever when they call me that. I think they are trying to express how irritated they are with me for knowing the answers. It has nothing to do with overachieving anything. It has everything to do with retaining knowledge.
Why do people have to pass judgment on other people? I suppose its in our nature to do so, or maybe its just how we were conditioned to be but its detrimental to world peace, to put it generically. If we’re too busy trying to make ourselves feel superior to those around us, we’re not going to have time to be nice to those people instead. There’s this girl in my chemistry lab. She really rubs me the wrong way. She really rubs almost everybody the wrong way. I feel bad for her. She seems like she has some social issues. I want to reach out to her but I’m limited by the way society would see me if I do. I don’t want to be ostracized like she is. At the same time, I want to do something nice for her. I passed her yesterday on the sidewalk and I smiled at her. I figured, it’s a start. What could it hurt? I don’t know how brave I’ll be when I’m in lab in front of the other people but maybe that smile made her feel a little better about herself or her day. According to Jesus, I should befriend her. She’s probably a lovely person. But I’m too much of a selfish person to do it yet. I’ll just have to content myself with praying for her.
How did she get to be the way she is? Does she know how people react to her? Is she aware of the impression she gives others? I have to think that she is unaware of how other people react to her. Otherwise she is aware and is doing nothing to counteract it. Why would you continue on your path if other people do not like you? I suppose it depends on the person and on who’s doing the liking. I don’t care intellectually that my group thinks I’m an overachiever. I care emotionally though because I want everyone to like me. So is there a reason this girl is not trying? Or is she trying and doesn’t know how to go about doing it?
If I had a superpower it would be the ability to read minds.
Monday, February 23, 2009
The Oscars
I watched the Oscars last night. I have to say that I was much more aware of the “politics” of films that was going on. Milk won for best actor. Which was in support of gay rights. Penelope Cruz won in Vicky Cristina Barcelona which supported the latin American culture. And Slumdog Millionaire won 8 total awards, including best picture. I’m disappointed. There were so many good movies available to choose from and Slumdog Millionaire has to win 8 of them. Is that really fair? I don’t think so. I thought for sure that Doubt would for sure win at least one, just to give it some recognition. I loved that movie. It was so well done and left you thinking as you left the theater. I expected it would at least get something, but no. I didn’t expect Meryl Streep to win because she’s been nominated 15 times before this but maybe one of the two best supporting actress nominated. Something.
It turns out to be just as my film professor said. People win for things that they shouldn’t necessarily win and then in future years they’ll award the person who should have won in the past for a role or job that they didn’t do as well in. True, I’ve never seen Slumdog Millionaire and I’m willing to give it the benefit of the doubt for best picture, I don’t think it should have taken so many of the Oscars. It was getting to the point that I could answer with that movie and have it be right. I thought it was kind of boring after awhile. The Oscars should be about recognize as much talent as possible. For one movie to win so many awards, its discouraging to all of the other wonderfully talented people who didn't win. Some movies (like Doubt) didn't get any recognition at all with awards. Others, which I haven't even heard of, still made it to the stage. I don't think I will pay any attention to the Oscars in the future. What's the point? I'm still going to like the movies I like and nobody, not even the academy, can change that. So why waste my time? I'd rather watch another movie.
After the Oscars, Amanda and I got into a discussion of gay marriage. It was really interesting. So interesting, in fact, that Ashley came out to join us, too. She is very conservative and doesn’t support gay marriage. I also don’t support gay marriage but I do support civil unions. I’m all fired up about Catholic issues because I went to a Catholic women’s conference over the weekend. Nana bought me a copy of The Catechism of the Catholic Church which I’ve wanted for some time. I’ve been leafing through it all weekend, finding out all sorts of interesting things. For example, the Catholic church doesn’t admit to knowing if homosexuals are born that way or not but does say that the sin is not in who they are but in what they do. If the have intimate relations with a person of the same sex, that is a sin because it is pre-marital sex and goes against the purpose of sex as created by God.
It was a fairly interesting discussion that touched on issues of health care, sin, baptism, communion, and capital punishment. I don’t think I can put all of it down here so I won’t even try. Suffice to say that Ashley was surprised that I, as a Catholic, was more liberal in my views, than Amanda, who is Lutheran.
Funny story from yesterday: Lori and I went to Target to get some odds and ends. I wanted a watch, a clock, and new handtowels for my bathroom. We get home with our stuff and I take the watch out and set it and put it on, only to look down and see that it isn’t working. I shake it a little bit and it starts again. I take the clock out of the package, put some batteries in it, see the second hand start ticking, set it, and walk away. I come back two hours later and the clock is still on the time I set it at (2:34)! I look down at my watch and it had stopped working at 3:58! I was ready to scream. God did not want me to have time, I was thinking. I reset the watch and it starts working again. The second hand is still ticking on the clock. But not keeping time. I look down at my watch and it has stopped! Again! Finally, at 5:20 I’ve had enough and I take them both back to Target and get new ones. Now I’m afraid they’re going to stop working again. I keep looking at them then looking at the computer to make sure they’re still on time.
Lori and I watched Casablanca yesterday afternoon. I watched a thing one time about the 100 greatest romance movies of all time and Casablanca was number one. Gone with the Wind was number four. I have seen Casablanca several times now and I'm still waiting to feel like its the most romantic movie ever. I just can't agree. Intellectually, I know it is, but it doesn't pull at my heartstrings like so many other romance movies. I like the movie, don't get me wrong, but I don't think it deserves to be the number one most romantic movie ever. Its just not romantic enough for me to give it that accolade. (It won best picture in its year. Yet more proof that the Oscars are not right.)
Books: I just finished a Barbara Cartland novel, An Adventure of Love. It’s probably one of my least favorite of her books. It was so much more predictable than the other ones I’ve read so far. Here’s the storyline in a nutshell: Boy and girl meet but don’t know who they are. Girl is forced to marry old guy who turns out to be the father of the boy she loves. She’s assaulted by old guy and tries to kill herself. Boy rescues her at the last minute and they get married. Old guy and his heir get killed and now boy and girl are king and queen. I kept hoping that things would not turn out the way I knew they were going to. I should have known better. The reason this storyline is so common is because it was invented by the very person I’m reading. Nobody knows romance storylines like Barbara Cartland so I shouldn’t be surprised that she has some “cliché” ones. They probably weren’t cliché when she wrote them. Still, I like other of her stories better. This one was pretty much boring. Maybe I just shouldn’t read so many of them so close together. If I put more books between them, then I won’t be as bored by them. I think I will.
It turns out to be just as my film professor said. People win for things that they shouldn’t necessarily win and then in future years they’ll award the person who should have won in the past for a role or job that they didn’t do as well in. True, I’ve never seen Slumdog Millionaire and I’m willing to give it the benefit of the doubt for best picture, I don’t think it should have taken so many of the Oscars. It was getting to the point that I could answer with that movie and have it be right. I thought it was kind of boring after awhile. The Oscars should be about recognize as much talent as possible. For one movie to win so many awards, its discouraging to all of the other wonderfully talented people who didn't win. Some movies (like Doubt) didn't get any recognition at all with awards. Others, which I haven't even heard of, still made it to the stage. I don't think I will pay any attention to the Oscars in the future. What's the point? I'm still going to like the movies I like and nobody, not even the academy, can change that. So why waste my time? I'd rather watch another movie.
After the Oscars, Amanda and I got into a discussion of gay marriage. It was really interesting. So interesting, in fact, that Ashley came out to join us, too. She is very conservative and doesn’t support gay marriage. I also don’t support gay marriage but I do support civil unions. I’m all fired up about Catholic issues because I went to a Catholic women’s conference over the weekend. Nana bought me a copy of The Catechism of the Catholic Church which I’ve wanted for some time. I’ve been leafing through it all weekend, finding out all sorts of interesting things. For example, the Catholic church doesn’t admit to knowing if homosexuals are born that way or not but does say that the sin is not in who they are but in what they do. If the have intimate relations with a person of the same sex, that is a sin because it is pre-marital sex and goes against the purpose of sex as created by God.
It was a fairly interesting discussion that touched on issues of health care, sin, baptism, communion, and capital punishment. I don’t think I can put all of it down here so I won’t even try. Suffice to say that Ashley was surprised that I, as a Catholic, was more liberal in my views, than Amanda, who is Lutheran.
Funny story from yesterday: Lori and I went to Target to get some odds and ends. I wanted a watch, a clock, and new handtowels for my bathroom. We get home with our stuff and I take the watch out and set it and put it on, only to look down and see that it isn’t working. I shake it a little bit and it starts again. I take the clock out of the package, put some batteries in it, see the second hand start ticking, set it, and walk away. I come back two hours later and the clock is still on the time I set it at (2:34)! I look down at my watch and it had stopped working at 3:58! I was ready to scream. God did not want me to have time, I was thinking. I reset the watch and it starts working again. The second hand is still ticking on the clock. But not keeping time. I look down at my watch and it has stopped! Again! Finally, at 5:20 I’ve had enough and I take them both back to Target and get new ones. Now I’m afraid they’re going to stop working again. I keep looking at them then looking at the computer to make sure they’re still on time.
Lori and I watched Casablanca yesterday afternoon. I watched a thing one time about the 100 greatest romance movies of all time and Casablanca was number one. Gone with the Wind was number four. I have seen Casablanca several times now and I'm still waiting to feel like its the most romantic movie ever. I just can't agree. Intellectually, I know it is, but it doesn't pull at my heartstrings like so many other romance movies. I like the movie, don't get me wrong, but I don't think it deserves to be the number one most romantic movie ever. Its just not romantic enough for me to give it that accolade. (It won best picture in its year. Yet more proof that the Oscars are not right.)
Books: I just finished a Barbara Cartland novel, An Adventure of Love. It’s probably one of my least favorite of her books. It was so much more predictable than the other ones I’ve read so far. Here’s the storyline in a nutshell: Boy and girl meet but don’t know who they are. Girl is forced to marry old guy who turns out to be the father of the boy she loves. She’s assaulted by old guy and tries to kill herself. Boy rescues her at the last minute and they get married. Old guy and his heir get killed and now boy and girl are king and queen. I kept hoping that things would not turn out the way I knew they were going to. I should have known better. The reason this storyline is so common is because it was invented by the very person I’m reading. Nobody knows romance storylines like Barbara Cartland so I shouldn’t be surprised that she has some “cliché” ones. They probably weren’t cliché when she wrote them. Still, I like other of her stories better. This one was pretty much boring. Maybe I just shouldn’t read so many of them so close together. If I put more books between them, then I won’t be as bored by them. I think I will.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Family Life and Love (again)
I was a slacker and went home yesterday as soon as I could. Well, not a horrible slacker though I didn't do my chemistry homework. I did take some more pictures of my sister. I think I'm getting much better at planning what I want but also improvising on the spot. I've got some more great shots of her in her room and I'm hoping to put one together of her outside, looking dead and beat down. That should tie in nicely with my self-portrait. Okay, if you can't tell I'm actually becoming excited about my senior show. I never thought the day would happen that I wasn't doing the art just to do the art and get done with it. I actually like what I'm doing now. Hopefully that will show in my next critique.
So, while I was at home I worked on a puzzle. A 1,000 piece puzzle. Mom has become obsessed and always has one out. I love her dearly but she's just not a very good puzzle doer. I probably put together about half of the puzzle last night all by myself. Okay, Mom definitely helped but I did do a lot of it. I ended up staying til around 10 pm. I meant to leave at around 9 pm so I would have time to get back to Coe and do my chemistry homework but I got so addicted to the puzzle that I didn't even think about what time it was. Besides, I haven't been home in quite some time (by "quite some time" I mean over two weeks) and I missed being with my family. That's one thing I enjoy so much now that I'm not dating Alex. I missed my family and didn't even realize it while I was with him. He pretty much hated spending time with my family and so we never did. Now that I can, I spend a part of almost every weekend with them. They are great people. They love me and are interested in what I do. I don't know how I stood being away from them for so long.
I watched a movie in European cinema class yesterday called M. It was about a child serial killer and the cops and the underground are both searching for him, yet the underground gets to him first. It didn't end as I expected it to end. I won't say how but there was some very thought-provoking speeches given at the end that really made you wonder how responsible people are for their actions. It was also our first talking picture for the class. We've been watching silent films up til now and I think we go back to them next week. Its more difficult to take notes, watch the movie for camera movement and editing, and read subtitles all at the same time. So, taking notes tends to fall by the wayside and I'm going to have to rely on my memory for the talking pictures.
Lydia was at Caleb's birthday party on Monday. I haven't seen her in awhile even though she lives here in Cedar Rapids, too. She was telling me about her love life since her and TC split up about six months ago (keep in mind I've been single since last May and haven't had a single date.) She has dated 2 or 3 other guys since then and is on the fourth which she met on MySpace and is actually more seriously interested in than the first 2 or 3 since TC. I'm not saying she has low standards. I'm not trying to say anything bad about her at all. Its her life and she can live it the way she wants to. I'm pointing this out because I find it ironic that I've been single for nine months now and haven't had a single date and she's been single for less than six months and has gone through three, onto the fourth guy. I think this is an accurate reflection of the differences in our life-styles. I don't know where she meets these guys but I think I can safely assume that at least one of them was at a bar. I don't go to bars regularly. I doubt the kind of guy I'm looking for, I'm going to find in a bar. I think its much more likely I will find Prince Charming(PC) at a church function or an academic situation. (Both indications of the traits I'm hoping PC will have.) Neither of those traits are going to be dominant in a frequent bar goer.
I had a doctor's appointment on Wednesday. She found a heart murmur. She tried so hard to make sure I knew it wasn't anything to worry about. I wasn't worried even before she tried to assure me. If I'd been having chest pain or shortness of breath I would be extremely worried but I eat fairly healthy, I exercise regular, and I don't drink excessively or smoke at all. I highly doubt that I'm going to keel over of a heart attack anytime soon. True, there has been some heart disease in my family but nobody has ever died of it. In fact, if I had to compare the health of my family compared to how it could be, I would say its pretty good. (Cancer not-withstanding). I'm not going to die any time soon. In fact I plan on living to become at least 100 years old. Its possible. My great-grandfather on my mom's side lived to be 96 and my grandma on my dad's side is 85+ with Leukemia and still going. As long as I eat my broccoli I think I'll be set to hit the big one-zero-zero.
PS - Wouldn't it be cool to be able to celebrate my eleventy first birthday, like Bilbo Baggins?
So, while I was at home I worked on a puzzle. A 1,000 piece puzzle. Mom has become obsessed and always has one out. I love her dearly but she's just not a very good puzzle doer. I probably put together about half of the puzzle last night all by myself. Okay, Mom definitely helped but I did do a lot of it. I ended up staying til around 10 pm. I meant to leave at around 9 pm so I would have time to get back to Coe and do my chemistry homework but I got so addicted to the puzzle that I didn't even think about what time it was. Besides, I haven't been home in quite some time (by "quite some time" I mean over two weeks) and I missed being with my family. That's one thing I enjoy so much now that I'm not dating Alex. I missed my family and didn't even realize it while I was with him. He pretty much hated spending time with my family and so we never did. Now that I can, I spend a part of almost every weekend with them. They are great people. They love me and are interested in what I do. I don't know how I stood being away from them for so long.
I watched a movie in European cinema class yesterday called M. It was about a child serial killer and the cops and the underground are both searching for him, yet the underground gets to him first. It didn't end as I expected it to end. I won't say how but there was some very thought-provoking speeches given at the end that really made you wonder how responsible people are for their actions. It was also our first talking picture for the class. We've been watching silent films up til now and I think we go back to them next week. Its more difficult to take notes, watch the movie for camera movement and editing, and read subtitles all at the same time. So, taking notes tends to fall by the wayside and I'm going to have to rely on my memory for the talking pictures.
Lydia was at Caleb's birthday party on Monday. I haven't seen her in awhile even though she lives here in Cedar Rapids, too. She was telling me about her love life since her and TC split up about six months ago (keep in mind I've been single since last May and haven't had a single date.) She has dated 2 or 3 other guys since then and is on the fourth which she met on MySpace and is actually more seriously interested in than the first 2 or 3 since TC. I'm not saying she has low standards. I'm not trying to say anything bad about her at all. Its her life and she can live it the way she wants to. I'm pointing this out because I find it ironic that I've been single for nine months now and haven't had a single date and she's been single for less than six months and has gone through three, onto the fourth guy. I think this is an accurate reflection of the differences in our life-styles. I don't know where she meets these guys but I think I can safely assume that at least one of them was at a bar. I don't go to bars regularly. I doubt the kind of guy I'm looking for, I'm going to find in a bar. I think its much more likely I will find Prince Charming(PC) at a church function or an academic situation. (Both indications of the traits I'm hoping PC will have.) Neither of those traits are going to be dominant in a frequent bar goer.
I had a doctor's appointment on Wednesday. She found a heart murmur. She tried so hard to make sure I knew it wasn't anything to worry about. I wasn't worried even before she tried to assure me. If I'd been having chest pain or shortness of breath I would be extremely worried but I eat fairly healthy, I exercise regular, and I don't drink excessively or smoke at all. I highly doubt that I'm going to keel over of a heart attack anytime soon. True, there has been some heart disease in my family but nobody has ever died of it. In fact, if I had to compare the health of my family compared to how it could be, I would say its pretty good. (Cancer not-withstanding). I'm not going to die any time soon. In fact I plan on living to become at least 100 years old. Its possible. My great-grandfather on my mom's side lived to be 96 and my grandma on my dad's side is 85+ with Leukemia and still going. As long as I eat my broccoli I think I'll be set to hit the big one-zero-zero.
PS - Wouldn't it be cool to be able to celebrate my eleventy first birthday, like Bilbo Baggins?
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Barbara Cartland and portraits
I got a package in the mail today! It was a box of Barbara Cartland books. For those of you who don't know, Barbara Cartland was a british romance novel writer and was extremely prolific. She has over 600 titles to her name! And they are ridiculously cheesy and fast reads. I love them. They have their own special place in the book system. What is the book system? Let me explain:
The book system was developed by me to increase the variety of books that I read. When I was younger my mom complained that all I ever read was science fiction and fantasy and she was worried about them warping my brain. She wanted me to read more christian books but I find them pretty dull. There's a reason I like science fiction and fantasy and its because I think they require much larger stretches of the imagination than realistic fiction. I have since decided to branch out a little bit more. So, the book system came into being because I kept having more books to read than I had time to read and I would find myself skipping books because I forgot about them. Now I have a shelf where I put the books in line on the right and read from the left. So far its worked pretty well. I've actually managed to get all the way through one shelf, though it keeps growing to the right.
They are also on the shelf in a specific order: one barbara cartland romance novella, followed by four longer books, one of which has to be a non-science-fiction/fantasy book. Then it repeats. I realize that this is a bit anal about books but its the way my mind works. I have to have it organized or I'll go crazy. Lists make me feel better. I'd list the books in my system here but I think it would be pretty boring to read.
I met with my chemistry tutor earlier today. Some people might wonder why I have a tutor when I seem to be doing just fine in the class but just fine and the best I can are not the same thing. Besides, I'd rather have a tutor and not need one very often than need one and not have one. The way the professor is teaching the class (the socratic method with no main lectures) requires much more effort on my part and while I'm pretty good at teaching myself, even I need help to figure out some of the more complex chemistry concepts.
There's no bible study tonight so I'm going to go home and take pictures as soon as I get done with stuff this afternoon. I think I'm pretty close to being done with my mother but I've still got some stuff I'd like to do with Hillary. I want to get a picture of her on the roof with the moon and some more mirror pictures. Maybe I can do something with the gorgeous wood-framed mirror I borrowed from the art department. It makes me think of the evil queen from Snow White's mirror. I keep expecting to see a ghostly green face looking out of it instead of the normal reflection. Working with mirrors in photographs has been really exciting. I've got a great one of me as a self-portrait. I'm not sure if I'll post it or not though because some people might object to the content. Its pretty morbid, because I'm unclothed and I look dead. That was the goal though, to make it look like a crime. I think I've achieved it. I'll probably put it in my senior show if I'm brave enough to be naked in my senior show in front of my whole family.
Ironically, its the people I'm closest too that I'm the most worried will object to this portrait. I'm much more comfortable with being naked in photographs that strangers will see. This probably has to with me knowing the values of my family. I pretty sure they are going to look at the picture and see a breast and that's all they'll see. They won't see the dead look on my face, the mirror, or the teddy bear on the bedspread. They probably won't be able to get past the nakedness to see the raw emotion this portrays about how I feel about myself. I know Lucy is going to love it. I hope I have the guts to put it up. It really is a thought-provoking image.
The book system was developed by me to increase the variety of books that I read. When I was younger my mom complained that all I ever read was science fiction and fantasy and she was worried about them warping my brain. She wanted me to read more christian books but I find them pretty dull. There's a reason I like science fiction and fantasy and its because I think they require much larger stretches of the imagination than realistic fiction. I have since decided to branch out a little bit more. So, the book system came into being because I kept having more books to read than I had time to read and I would find myself skipping books because I forgot about them. Now I have a shelf where I put the books in line on the right and read from the left. So far its worked pretty well. I've actually managed to get all the way through one shelf, though it keeps growing to the right.
They are also on the shelf in a specific order: one barbara cartland romance novella, followed by four longer books, one of which has to be a non-science-fiction/fantasy book. Then it repeats. I realize that this is a bit anal about books but its the way my mind works. I have to have it organized or I'll go crazy. Lists make me feel better. I'd list the books in my system here but I think it would be pretty boring to read.
I met with my chemistry tutor earlier today. Some people might wonder why I have a tutor when I seem to be doing just fine in the class but just fine and the best I can are not the same thing. Besides, I'd rather have a tutor and not need one very often than need one and not have one. The way the professor is teaching the class (the socratic method with no main lectures) requires much more effort on my part and while I'm pretty good at teaching myself, even I need help to figure out some of the more complex chemistry concepts.
There's no bible study tonight so I'm going to go home and take pictures as soon as I get done with stuff this afternoon. I think I'm pretty close to being done with my mother but I've still got some stuff I'd like to do with Hillary. I want to get a picture of her on the roof with the moon and some more mirror pictures. Maybe I can do something with the gorgeous wood-framed mirror I borrowed from the art department. It makes me think of the evil queen from Snow White's mirror. I keep expecting to see a ghostly green face looking out of it instead of the normal reflection. Working with mirrors in photographs has been really exciting. I've got a great one of me as a self-portrait. I'm not sure if I'll post it or not though because some people might object to the content. Its pretty morbid, because I'm unclothed and I look dead. That was the goal though, to make it look like a crime. I think I've achieved it. I'll probably put it in my senior show if I'm brave enough to be naked in my senior show in front of my whole family.
Ironically, its the people I'm closest too that I'm the most worried will object to this portrait. I'm much more comfortable with being naked in photographs that strangers will see. This probably has to with me knowing the values of my family. I pretty sure they are going to look at the picture and see a breast and that's all they'll see. They won't see the dead look on my face, the mirror, or the teddy bear on the bedspread. They probably won't be able to get past the nakedness to see the raw emotion this portrays about how I feel about myself. I know Lucy is going to love it. I hope I have the guts to put it up. It really is a thought-provoking image.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
2nd Birthday in 2 Days/Self-Portrait Discovery
I swear February is birthday season. My roomate, Ashley, turned 21 yesterday. Caleb was the day before, and my mom's is on the 25th. My cousin Jacob's is the 15th. I don't think any other month except my birthday month, which has me, my cousin Amanda, and my late grandfather, comes close to having the same amount of birthdays. I think when it comes time to have children of my own, I will make late May-early June the abstinent month.
We went to the Irish Democrat last night to celebrate. None of us (me, Ashley, and our two other roomates - Lori and Amanda) had ever been there before. None of us are big beer drinkers; we prefer our fruity drinks instead. They didn't have a drink menu, only beer lists. Lori tried to order a margarita but they didn't have a blender. Then she tried for a mojito and they didn't have mint leaves. Finally she settled for a long island iced tea. I had to get a beer (Bud Light Lime) so Ashley could try one. She didn't like it at all. She's definitely a fruity drinker, too.
It was her first drink of alcohol - not including church wine - and I think she enjoyed it. She doesn't like the taste of alcohol. Even when she was drinking a delicious sex on the beach (I know because I tried it) she didn't like being able to taste the alcohol in it. Amanda had a cosmo but didn't drink it either. I don't remember if Ashley tried the cosmo or not. We didn't let her try the long island iced tea. We already knew she wouldn't like it. The last time we had cosmo's was at homecoming this past fall. We got the recipe from Lori's Periodic Table of Mixology poster and made them to watch Sex and the City. Lori hated hers. I didn't mind it but Amanda absolutely loved them. Personally I prefer pear martinis only no bar ever has absolut pear and the one bar I found that did said they weren't going to restock it once the bottle was gone.
I don't think we'll go back to the Irish Democrat. The food was decent but without a great fruity drink selection I think we'll go somewhere with more options. For Lori's birthday we went to Kaji and did sake bombs. For my birthday we went to Olive Garden and had wine and bellini's. Ashley's was the Irish Democrat. Now we have to plan Amanda's birthday. We've got some time though. It's not til the end of the semester.
I had to work at Potter's Obsession from 6-8 last night so I left after dinner and then came back to the apartment where we did some jell0 shots to celebrate. They were a little big and we had some good laughs about "swallowing." I've got some great pictures but I've promised not to put them online so I won't. They're going in the pile with the picture of someone spreading mayonaise on her chest on a dare and someone taking a syrup body shot off of someone on another dare. Suffice to imagine the picture last night of someone gagging over a sink, saying, "IT'S TOO BIG! IT'S TOO BIG!!" We couldn't stop laughing and I will love that picture.
Lucy, my photography advisor, wants me to try doing some self-portraits, probably involving mirrors. I balked at this at first. I hate pictures of myself. I always have. There's something about seeing me in photographs that makes my self-esteem lose three points instead of one. I'm not sure what it is but even in "good" photographs I don't like the way I look. I suspect it has something to do with my mental picture of myself. When I see pictures of myself, it starts a war with my mental image and thus the loss of points.
But...
I think I've discovered a way to take pictures of myself and actually like them as a representation of me. I hate the way I look, therefore I'm not going to try to make me look good. Instead I'm going to do the opposite. I'm going to make myself look as dead, broken, angry, and ugly as I possibly can. I got this idea from some attempts at peaceful self-portraits of me lying on the ground. One of them made me think of a crime scene with the body all askew. So, I'm going to make myself into a crime scene. If any of them turn out, I'll post them and get some opinions.
Books: I just finished Dead to the World, the fourth book in the Sookie Stackhouse series by Charlaine Harris. I think I can admit to being addicted to fun, fast-paced vampire fiction with strong female heroines. Of course, I've always been addicted to strong female heroines but put them with vampires and I'm hooked. I can't wait to get the next one. I want to know more about what happens to her and her vampire friends. With series' like these (Sookie Stackhouse, Anita Blake, Betsy Taylor), I get the feeling that there is no conceivable end for the series. You've got a strong woman and vampires that are real. The question that always follows is, "If vampires are real, what else could be real?" and voile, you've got the recipe for a top-selling series. I might have to go out and buy the next book so it can get in my stack of books to read.
We went to the Irish Democrat last night to celebrate. None of us (me, Ashley, and our two other roomates - Lori and Amanda) had ever been there before. None of us are big beer drinkers; we prefer our fruity drinks instead. They didn't have a drink menu, only beer lists. Lori tried to order a margarita but they didn't have a blender. Then she tried for a mojito and they didn't have mint leaves. Finally she settled for a long island iced tea. I had to get a beer (Bud Light Lime) so Ashley could try one. She didn't like it at all. She's definitely a fruity drinker, too.
It was her first drink of alcohol - not including church wine - and I think she enjoyed it. She doesn't like the taste of alcohol. Even when she was drinking a delicious sex on the beach (I know because I tried it) she didn't like being able to taste the alcohol in it. Amanda had a cosmo but didn't drink it either. I don't remember if Ashley tried the cosmo or not. We didn't let her try the long island iced tea. We already knew she wouldn't like it. The last time we had cosmo's was at homecoming this past fall. We got the recipe from Lori's Periodic Table of Mixology poster and made them to watch Sex and the City. Lori hated hers. I didn't mind it but Amanda absolutely loved them. Personally I prefer pear martinis only no bar ever has absolut pear and the one bar I found that did said they weren't going to restock it once the bottle was gone.
I don't think we'll go back to the Irish Democrat. The food was decent but without a great fruity drink selection I think we'll go somewhere with more options. For Lori's birthday we went to Kaji and did sake bombs. For my birthday we went to Olive Garden and had wine and bellini's. Ashley's was the Irish Democrat. Now we have to plan Amanda's birthday. We've got some time though. It's not til the end of the semester.
I had to work at Potter's Obsession from 6-8 last night so I left after dinner and then came back to the apartment where we did some jell0 shots to celebrate. They were a little big and we had some good laughs about "swallowing." I've got some great pictures but I've promised not to put them online so I won't. They're going in the pile with the picture of someone spreading mayonaise on her chest on a dare and someone taking a syrup body shot off of someone on another dare. Suffice to imagine the picture last night of someone gagging over a sink, saying, "IT'S TOO BIG! IT'S TOO BIG!!" We couldn't stop laughing and I will love that picture.
Lucy, my photography advisor, wants me to try doing some self-portraits, probably involving mirrors. I balked at this at first. I hate pictures of myself. I always have. There's something about seeing me in photographs that makes my self-esteem lose three points instead of one. I'm not sure what it is but even in "good" photographs I don't like the way I look. I suspect it has something to do with my mental picture of myself. When I see pictures of myself, it starts a war with my mental image and thus the loss of points.
But...
I think I've discovered a way to take pictures of myself and actually like them as a representation of me. I hate the way I look, therefore I'm not going to try to make me look good. Instead I'm going to do the opposite. I'm going to make myself look as dead, broken, angry, and ugly as I possibly can. I got this idea from some attempts at peaceful self-portraits of me lying on the ground. One of them made me think of a crime scene with the body all askew. So, I'm going to make myself into a crime scene. If any of them turn out, I'll post them and get some opinions.
Books: I just finished Dead to the World, the fourth book in the Sookie Stackhouse series by Charlaine Harris. I think I can admit to being addicted to fun, fast-paced vampire fiction with strong female heroines. Of course, I've always been addicted to strong female heroines but put them with vampires and I'm hooked. I can't wait to get the next one. I want to know more about what happens to her and her vampire friends. With series' like these (Sookie Stackhouse, Anita Blake, Betsy Taylor), I get the feeling that there is no conceivable end for the series. You've got a strong woman and vampires that are real. The question that always follows is, "If vampires are real, what else could be real?" and voile, you've got the recipe for a top-selling series. I might have to go out and buy the next book so it can get in my stack of books to read.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Beginnings and Endings
So, as much as I like writing, I never seem to find the time to do it in the paper journals I've slowly collected over the years. For reasons I can't explain, people gift me with journals without lines or small spacing (my hand writing is fairly large) and I like writing in plain old wal-mart style notebooks you can get in five different colors. So, I'm going to try my damndest to write more often on the computer. I do spend a lot more time surfing the internet instead of writing in my journal than regretting having done nothing but squander time reading about all sorts of Robin Hood myths or discovering tidbits such as Margaret Mitchell,born in 1900 and the author of Gone with the Wind, didn't know the South had lost the war until she was 10 years old.
I've recently gotten glasses because my left eye is both farsighted and has an astigmatism. This will also help with the writing process because all of a sudden my glasses allow me to see everything so much clearer.
I went to a birthday party last night for my friend Caleb. I only intended to stay for two hours and then leave by 7-7:30 to get some work done for my senior art show. I think it goes without saying that it didn't happen that way. Main reason: my ex-boyfriend of three years was coming with his new girlfriend and I had to check out the competition. Now, I'm not a drop-dead gorgeous person but I don't think I'm that unfortunate looking. I've got green eyes, blonder hair and fair skin. I feel pretty lucky about how I look even if obesity does run in my mom's side of the family and I have to work really hard not to fall into a chocolate-lined rut. I was getting hit on at the bar where the party was. And I didn't feel any better about seeing Alex's new girlfriend. Alex is the kind of guy who only has enough blood to power one brain at a time. Seeing him with a girl who has acne scars, is short and not all that interesting looking was a shock. I'd assumed that Alex's next girlfriend would reflect his interest in body types but apparently not. Caleb and my friends were trying to make me feel better by implying that I looked so much better than her, which was flattering but it didn't work that way. If Alex was with a girl not for her looks then there must actually be a connection there.
I'll admit to being slightly jealous. It's not that I want to get back together with him - far from it, in fact - but I think you'd be hard pressed to find a girl who didn't have just a twinge of jealousy when seeing her ex-boyfriend with a new girlfriend when she herself was stood up by the only guy she'd asked out since she broke up with him. Not surprising, she didn't talk to me at all. She was kind of quiet, which makes sense since she's new to our circle of friends. Not surprising also, the rest of Alex's and my friends don't like her very much. I'm not sure if its because they're shallow and think that he should be dating a hottie or because they said things like, "She's not a looker but she's a wife." I think that's probably what disturbed me the most. Lookers can't be wives? How does that make sense? Caleb says its just a fling but I know Alex better than that. A fling for him consists of nothing more than two or three days of romping in the bedroom. A serious relationship is one that he spends a lot of time on.
Honestly, this bout of jealousy may also have to do with the fact that this weekend was Valentine's day and I spent it babysitting for a couple who took a weekend trip to Chicago to celebrate. I would have loved to do something like that with my sweetie and the only guy I'd ever done anything like that with was Alex. So its natural, I suppose, that my thoughts have been turning to him recently. I may have difficulty interpreting my emotions sometimes but I know for sure that while Alex and I might have a lot in common, get along really well, and be able to talk about pretty much everything, he is not going to ever treat me the way I want to be treated. Ever. Ever ever. What's that phrase about changing your spots? Because that one applies and it only took me three years and a promise ring to figure it out.
I've recently gotten glasses because my left eye is both farsighted and has an astigmatism. This will also help with the writing process because all of a sudden my glasses allow me to see everything so much clearer.
I went to a birthday party last night for my friend Caleb. I only intended to stay for two hours and then leave by 7-7:30 to get some work done for my senior art show. I think it goes without saying that it didn't happen that way. Main reason: my ex-boyfriend of three years was coming with his new girlfriend and I had to check out the competition. Now, I'm not a drop-dead gorgeous person but I don't think I'm that unfortunate looking. I've got green eyes, blonder hair and fair skin. I feel pretty lucky about how I look even if obesity does run in my mom's side of the family and I have to work really hard not to fall into a chocolate-lined rut. I was getting hit on at the bar where the party was. And I didn't feel any better about seeing Alex's new girlfriend. Alex is the kind of guy who only has enough blood to power one brain at a time. Seeing him with a girl who has acne scars, is short and not all that interesting looking was a shock. I'd assumed that Alex's next girlfriend would reflect his interest in body types but apparently not. Caleb and my friends were trying to make me feel better by implying that I looked so much better than her, which was flattering but it didn't work that way. If Alex was with a girl not for her looks then there must actually be a connection there.
I'll admit to being slightly jealous. It's not that I want to get back together with him - far from it, in fact - but I think you'd be hard pressed to find a girl who didn't have just a twinge of jealousy when seeing her ex-boyfriend with a new girlfriend when she herself was stood up by the only guy she'd asked out since she broke up with him. Not surprising, she didn't talk to me at all. She was kind of quiet, which makes sense since she's new to our circle of friends. Not surprising also, the rest of Alex's and my friends don't like her very much. I'm not sure if its because they're shallow and think that he should be dating a hottie or because they said things like, "She's not a looker but she's a wife." I think that's probably what disturbed me the most. Lookers can't be wives? How does that make sense? Caleb says its just a fling but I know Alex better than that. A fling for him consists of nothing more than two or three days of romping in the bedroom. A serious relationship is one that he spends a lot of time on.
Honestly, this bout of jealousy may also have to do with the fact that this weekend was Valentine's day and I spent it babysitting for a couple who took a weekend trip to Chicago to celebrate. I would have loved to do something like that with my sweetie and the only guy I'd ever done anything like that with was Alex. So its natural, I suppose, that my thoughts have been turning to him recently. I may have difficulty interpreting my emotions sometimes but I know for sure that while Alex and I might have a lot in common, get along really well, and be able to talk about pretty much everything, he is not going to ever treat me the way I want to be treated. Ever. Ever ever. What's that phrase about changing your spots? Because that one applies and it only took me three years and a promise ring to figure it out.
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