Alex and the Countertop Dream

I had a dream the other night and it bothered me at first until I figured out what it meant. I dreamt that I was working in a jewelry shop in the mall because the people who normally work it were out of town or something. It felt a lot like a private business, not at all like the experience I had at Vanity, though requiring the same skills. The main counter was made up of a bunch of movable parts that had to be taken down each evening and put back together in the morning. They were all very similarly shaped but had to go in the exact same spot everyday so I made sure to take them apart in a specific way so I could easily put it back together again. One morning I come in and the store is really busy – so busy that I don’t have time to put the counter together right away. Alex is standing next to me as I’m talking to a customer and he’s doing something, only I can’t see what. The customer goes away and I turn around to see the counter pieces all scattered and rearranged and not in the order I put them in, some have even been moved into the back closet so it makes it almost impossible for me to get them back together. I turn to Alex and yell at him, “What did you do that for?!”. He says back to me, “I was just trying to help. Jeez, get a grip. It’s not that big of a deal.” I’m so mad at him that I don’t reply, only start trying to put them back together. He knows I’m not going to talk to him anymore but he still stands there looking at me.

So, writing this out, it makes it even more obvious what the dream was about. I figured it out while I was telling it to Caleb. Being with Alex, the “countertop” of my life was taken apart and rearranged into an order that doesn’t make sense and wasn’t really who I am. Now that I’m not with him, I’m putting my life back together, piece by piece. It’s even more blatant when it’s written, if you’re looking for the symbolism. Even thought it’s been nine months since I broke up with him, I’m still working towards making myself comfortable with it. Sometimes I miss having someone there for me so much that I can’t watch the kissing scenes in romance movies without feeling this wrenching in my gut. I sometimes think it will only go away when I find someone new to love.

Interpreting dreams fascinates me. I wonder if believing in the power of dreams is against the Catholic faith. I don’t think it is. Joseph of the Old Testament interpreted dreams for Pharaoh, which warned him about the seven years of feast followed by seven years of famine. Joseph, husband of the Virgin Mary, had a dream in which the angel of the Lord told him to marry Mary anyway. There’s no way that dreams can be against the Catholic faith. So, I choose to believe that my dreams have meaning. That doesn’t mean all dreams have meaning because obviously some dreams are just the result of too much Chinese food or something like that. The crazy dreams that don’t make any sense at all can’t have significant meaning beyond their craziness. If there is meaning in them, its too subtle for me to decipher.

I also choose to believe that some dreams, like the Alex and the Countertop dream are divine inspired. I’ve been struggling lately with thoughts of Alex. Not thoughts of him in that I would consider getting back together with him. I know God has something better in mind, but he still randomly pops into my head and it bothers me that he does. Now, because of this dream, I know that one of two possible things will happen: 1) Thoughts of Alex will still pop into my head but stop bothering me when they do, or 2) thoughts of Alex will no longer pop into my head. I just have to keep going, day by day.

Besides, he has a new girlfriend, Anece. I saw here at Caleb’s birthday party. She’s Asian, short, with the most unfortunate bowl-cut inspired hairstyle, and acne scars. I think I talked a little about her in the first entry. And seeing them together, though I didn’t feel good about it at the time, only makes me feel so much better about not being with him anymore. What was I thinking? True, he’s very charismatic and personable but he’s so selfish! He didn’t even think to introduce her to any of us sitting at Caleb’s table. She just went and sat at a table across the room. The more I looked at Alex, the more I wondered what I saw in him. I’m only now beginning to realize how much I was “settling”. I deserve so much more than what he has to offer. I want someone to be my equal in everyway. I want someone who will support me as much as I support him. I want someone who will love me above themselves and someone who will love God with me.

Books: I finished reading Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers. It was so good. I really enjoyed it. It's a Christian romance novel but its not too preachy. In fact, because it wasn't so preachy, it inspired me to pray more. I read the first part of Left Behind and only made it halfway through because it got way to preachy at me. I felt like it was telling me: "Mend your ways you horrible horrible person or you will go STRAIGHT TO HELL!!!" I don't want to read about that. I don't want to read a book that makes me feel bad about myself. And Redeeming Love does not make you feel bad. It's inspirational. It makes me feel hopeful about "mending my ways." In all honesty, I don't think I'm a horrible person. But I do think I could pray more deliberately. I tend to just pray when the thought occurs to me, such as, "Thanks God for helping me get through that lecture without falling asleep" or "please God, help me not murder my chem group." I should try to pray more regularly, at a set time and with a set purpose. Maybe instead of reading a fun book before I go to sleep I'll open to a random section of the Bible. Also, since it's Lent, my church has these "little black books" with daily meditations. I could try those, too.