Beginnings and Endings

So, as much as I like writing, I never seem to find the time to do it in the paper journals I've slowly collected over the years. For reasons I can't explain, people gift me with journals without lines or small spacing (my hand writing is fairly large) and I like writing in plain old wal-mart style notebooks you can get in five different colors. So, I'm going to try my damndest to write more often on the computer. I do spend a lot more time surfing the internet instead of writing in my journal than regretting having done nothing but squander time reading about all sorts of Robin Hood myths or discovering tidbits such as Margaret Mitchell,born in 1900 and the author of Gone with the Wind, didn't know the South had lost the war until she was 10 years old.

I've recently gotten glasses because my left eye is both farsighted and has an astigmatism. This will also help with the writing process because all of a sudden my glasses allow me to see everything so much clearer.

I went to a birthday party last night for my friend Caleb. I only intended to stay for two hours and then leave by 7-7:30 to get some work done for my senior art show. I think it goes without saying that it didn't happen that way. Main reason: my ex-boyfriend of three years was coming with his new girlfriend and I had to check out the competition. Now, I'm not a drop-dead gorgeous person but I don't think I'm that unfortunate looking. I've got green eyes, blonder hair and fair skin. I feel pretty lucky about how I look even if obesity does run in my mom's side of the family and I have to work really hard not to fall into a chocolate-lined rut. I was getting hit on at the bar where the party was. And I didn't feel any better about seeing Alex's new girlfriend. Alex is the kind of guy who only has enough blood to power one brain at a time. Seeing him with a girl who has acne scars, is short and not all that interesting looking was a shock. I'd assumed that Alex's next girlfriend would reflect his interest in body types but apparently not. Caleb and my friends were trying to make me feel better by implying that I looked so much better than her, which was flattering but it didn't work that way. If Alex was with a girl not for her looks then there must actually be a connection there.

I'll admit to being slightly jealous. It's not that I want to get back together with him - far from it, in fact - but I think you'd be hard pressed to find a girl who didn't have just a twinge of jealousy when seeing her ex-boyfriend with a new girlfriend when she herself was stood up by the only guy she'd asked out since she broke up with him. Not surprising, she didn't talk to me at all. She was kind of quiet, which makes sense since she's new to our circle of friends. Not surprising also, the rest of Alex's and my friends don't like her very much. I'm not sure if its because they're shallow and think that he should be dating a hottie or because they said things like, "She's not a looker but she's a wife." I think that's probably what disturbed me the most. Lookers can't be wives? How does that make sense? Caleb says its just a fling but I know Alex better than that. A fling for him consists of nothing more than two or three days of romping in the bedroom. A serious relationship is one that he spends a lot of time on.

Honestly, this bout of jealousy may also have to do with the fact that this weekend was Valentine's day and I spent it babysitting for a couple who took a weekend trip to Chicago to celebrate. I would have loved to do something like that with my sweetie and the only guy I'd ever done anything like that with was Alex. So its natural, I suppose, that my thoughts have been turning to him recently. I may have difficulty interpreting my emotions sometimes but I know for sure that while Alex and I might have a lot in common, get along really well, and be able to talk about pretty much everything, he is not going to ever treat me the way I want to be treated. Ever. Ever ever. What's that phrase about changing your spots? Because that one applies and it only took me three years and a promise ring to figure it out.