Stress

My mind is still in a fog. The same one from Monday was present yesterday. Even at my job interview in the morning. There were about 30 people interviewing. It wasn’t for just one job though, it was for multiple jobs. I got the job but I can’t be officially hired until I present them with my diploma, which I will receive on May 10th. My mind was fuzzy all day. By fuzzy I mean that there seemed to be two different me’s: the one who was doing what she said she would do – be at an interview, write a paper, study chemistry, etc, - and the me who was watching me do it and wondering why.

That sounds a little scary but its more disturbing than scary I think. I watch myself do the things I’m supposed to do and wonder how I’m ever going to get it all done. Then when I go to bed at night, exhausted, my mind can’t stop moving around. I kept going in circles last night. From my senior show, to the postcards that need printing, to the job, to signing up for classes at Kirkwood, to signing up for classes in the fall at Iowa, to the requirements I need to do in order to graduate, and back to the senior show, around and around until sleep was absolutely unattainable. Ironically, I’ve stopped worrying about the test tonight. What happens will happen and I doubt anything I do now is going to drastically change its outcome. Really I’m just trying to stay afloat.

The scariest part was that last night the though popped into my head, “What would happen if I just gave up? Is that like committing suicide?”

Then something inside me realized what I was thinking and overrode it but the fact that it honestly popped into my head is a huge indicator of how stressed I am feeling. This weekend I have a lot to do socially, as well and I’m not sure I can handle it. I’m supposed to go to a party Friday night with Lori and Amanda but I’m going to tell them I can’t. I’ve got so much to do and so much stress that I need to use that time to either unwind or get stuff done and going to a party will not help either situation.

I can’t remember feeling this stressed. It bothers me that I’m this wound up. My usual approach is to do things about the stuff that is stressing me out and if I can’t do anything about it than stop worrying about it (though it doesn't always work that way). So, here’s my approach: It worries me that I can’t sleep because I know sleep is important. I’m out of melatonin (a sleep-inducing hormone produced by your body) so I’m going to get some today. My postcards I’m going to do after the chemistry test this evening, no matter what time it is because it’s only two weeks and a half weeks until my show. That will be two things out of the way. Friday evening I will do the loan exit counseling so I can start the senior checklist and get the ball rolling with that since it needs to be done before March is over.

I just made a checklist for myself in order to organize my life. I like lists. They make me feel better and make me feel like I’m accomplishing things as I cross things off the list. (I can now cross one thing off the list because I did it on my way to the Writing Center!)

I keep telling myself, "If I can only make it through the week, things will get better," which is ironic because I was telling myself that same thing the week before break and its been two weeks and things aren't really better. Hopefully, if I keep giving myself positive things to look forward to, like next Tuesday evening when I don't have anything to do that I know of, I will not break down. I had a mini break down last night when I couldn't sleep. I raved a little bit at Amanda about how soon my show was and how much I had to do to get ready for it. Lucy isn't any help because she keeps telling me, "Just keep working, just keep working," but that's not working for me. I can't keep working because I'm too stressed out about my show.

I think that sometime soon I will have a much bigger break down. It's like the pre-tremors before a really big earthquake: there's a whole bunch of little ones that finally culminate in one really big earthquake. I'm afraid that my really big earthquake will damage something irreparably. But no, I need to stop worrying about that. There's nothing I can do right now that will fix the problem.

Thank God that I was raised the way I was. I was not raised to give up. I was raised to persevere and by God I will persevere until it kills me. I will keep going even if my inner self is watching me do things that it can't believe I'm actually doing. I will keep going even when I think I can't anymore. I will keep going because there are only 29 school days left until I receive my degree and I'll be damned if I'm going to let four years of work go down the drain just because I couldn't get my shit together.

Books: I finished Atonement last night. It was really good. I like it better than the movie. I understood what was going on a little better than when I watched the movie. That being said, the movie was actually very true to the book, from what I remember. I will definitely have to read the book again and see the movie again. I feel like there's something important that I didn't understand which is perhaps the point because of the little girl who doesn't really understand either but I want to understand so I will continue to re-read and re-watch it until I understand what its saying or understand why I don't understand. Absolutely going in my favorite books pile.